UK Unemployment: Order into Chaos

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

One glance at the state of the UK’s unemployment crisis is enough to kick start any socio-political anarchist type into storming out of their state of complacency to oil the wheels of the tumbrels and put a shaving edge on the guillotine blade – then make ready to storm the ramparts of the over-privileged elitists and bring the entire corrupt ‘Debtocracy’ edifice of this crony capitalist government crashing down upon their treasonous skulls.

Broken Britain’s gone ‘down’ the tubes – yet conversely, in a total diametrically-opposed heading the jobless working class are ‘up’ shitcreek without a paddle. And why are we in this dire predicament we might well ask? Because to emasculate our insular self-sufficiency potential ready for EUSSR domination our once-sceptred isle’s entire paddle making industry was outsourced to fucking India and a host of other contemporary Third World landfill sites in the 1980’s by Slaggie Twatcher’s Tory administration and their self-immolation policy of de-industrialisation.

But of course the superbly arrogant Posh Dave Scameron, even though gifted with 20/20 hindsight when purveying the reasons for Britain’s demise as an industrial power and manufacturing colossus, will doubtless avoid acknowledging the blatant fact that his split-arsed predecessor, Slaggie Twatcher, that shot-up Grantham grocer’s daughter, was personally responsible for making a bollocks of British industry – plus being the causal ‘first draft’ author of our nation’s current socio-economic plight.

Though one is prompted to speculate who, in their profound ignorance, bestowed Twatcher – (the same parsimonious Tory bitch who scuttled the schoolkids’ free milk concession in 1971) – with the Prime Ministerial authority to give the unions the big finger and make a fuck of the UK’s iconic manufacturing cornucopia – and devastate the careers of tens of thousands of skilled engineers and artisans – and doom generations of youth to come to an existence of unemployment in a jobless - and skill-less - environment?

To wit, UK unemployment rose by 128,000 in the three months to October, to a gob-smacking 2.64 million - the highest level recorded since 1945 when the majority of British troops not required at the farthest reaches of the Empire to bang Bolshie native’s heads together and put down Independence movements were demobbed back in Blighty as there were no more nasty Nazis left to kill.

Respectively, in the same period, youth unemployment rose to 1.27 million, the highest since records began in 1066, beating the previous chart-topper set in the reign of William IV, when an age limit of 10 was imposed for hiring child chimney sweeps in 1834, casting legions of sooty little underage waifs and strays out of work and onto the streets to beg and starve – a shocking figure that the Office of National Statistics have since referred to as ‘an awful lot’.

Conversely the number of people out of collar and claiming Jobseeker's Allowance rose by a further 30,000 after November 5th when part-time recycling work on Bonfire Night fuel collections and Guy Fawkes impersonations ceased – yet the rate of increase in the claimant count has been displaying signs of slowing down as more unemployed peasants fail to qualify for benefits after completing the mandatory Stage 4 ‘Work or be Damned’ programme in a jobless wilderness and coming up empty-handed – thus can’t be arsed turning up at the Jobcentre to sign on every fortnight and get sweet fuck all in return for their efforts.

As Bev Titwank, a 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate told one Daily Shitraker gutter press hack outside the Scallyshawe Jobcentre this week: “Yer not gonna get any effin’ Jobseekers Allowance if there’s no fuckin’ jobs ter seek, now are yer, eh? Stands ter effin’ reason, don’t it. Yer don’t need a fuckin’ NVQ1 degree in Rocket Science ter work that one out. So it’s no effin’ wonder we’re all on drugs an’ binge drinkin’ an’ shit when yer trapped in this vicious cycle of joblessness, anxiety an’ depression."

“I woz down here at the Jobcentre last week coz I wanted ter use their phone ter call me mate in Albania wot got hitched ter this pikey swan poacher - an’ got me arse dragged in fer an ‘employment status review’ – an’ woz offered two weeks seasonal work as a turkey plucker’s mate fer £3 quid an hour. Well, it woz that or a job at Poundland as a Santa Claus – but yer had ter grow yer own beard. So I looked at this ‘personal counsellor’ bitch an’ sez “Are you takin’ the piss or wot?”
“That’s why I’m leavin’ the sprogs at me Mum’s an’ headin’ off inter town every night floggin’ me golly fer £200 quid a poke – an’ £50 nicker extra if yer want a round-the-world three hole suck an’ swallow job thrown in. All cash in hand an’ tax free too, thanks very much.”

However, pursuit of the second oldest profession besides, Broken Britain’s youth continues to bear the brunt of the lack of jobs in the UK - a problem shared by many other countries around the world – apart from West Africa where they can join up as ‘Child Soldiers’ with the local militia’s Popular Front Army as soon as they can walk, wipe their own arse – and learn to load and cock an AK47 assault rifle.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.