Phil the Greek Has Boob Job Undone

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While the rest of the UK’s hapless common herd remain destined to lie bleeding in excruciating agony on a roadside pavement waiting for an NHS Trust ambulance to turn up following a violent mugging or car accident, the Duke of Edinburgh – aka Prince Philip – was rushed to Twatsworth Hospital in Middlesex - the UK's largest specialist transgender and cosmetic surgery centre – via RAF helicopter on Friday night after suffering a severe anxiety attack while watching a televised media report on the carcinogenic French breast implants scare.

Apparently the headless chicken cancer panic has resulted in some 30,000 split-arsed Frogs rushing off to have their ‘PIP’ Pound Stretcher boob job prostheses removed before they rupture during a rampant session of tit-mashing sexual foreplay and leak their toxic industrial silicone / tyre inflator filler to mingle freely with the recipient’s DNA, resulting in an outbreak of festering tumours.

Lady Fellattia Mingerot, the official Buckingham Palace spokeswoman, informed press hacks that the ill-mannered 120-year old Greek scrounger had undergone a minimally invasive surgical procedure to remove the pair of now-condemned ‘Poly Implant Prothese’ – installed two years ago to enhance his sagging ‘man tits’.

“The Prince is now recovering and almost back to being his normal rude self – insulting the foreign nurses, calling his doctor an ‘infidel kaffir’ – and threatening to be reincarnated as a deadly virus and wipe out all the ‘useless eaters’. He cheered up a bit after lunch – although complained that his kebabs were not as good as the ones he gets from Kosta’s Hellenic chew and spew take-away in Battersea Park.”
“He will be checking out tomorrow and travelling to Sandringham to spent Christmas with the rest of the Royal Family, and is expected to take part in the traditional Yuletide ‘Peasant Bashing’ horseback chase on Boxing Day.”

This is the second such psychological distress incident suffered by the Prince in recent weeks – the first when his Winter Fuel Allowance giro failed to arrive on schedule – and then upon eventual receipt discovered it had been hit with a £50 quid reduction under Tory Chancellor George Osborne’s austerity measures.

Prince Philip was hospitalised earlier this year at the prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Excellence in Health Care after a sense of humour transplant rejected him – a condition further complicated by the Royal’s fetish addiction for guacamole enemas which had left him chronically constipated – or as the red top tabloid gutter press described it with a fitting graphic banner headline at the time: “Phi the Greek Full of Shit”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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