Badgers Okay Trial Cull of Tory Ministers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Several cetes of senior badgers from around the UK have been meeting this week in a secret clan conclave, chaired by the iconic Mr Tod, in the thick of the David Kelly Memorial Woods adjoining the Brock Hotel in Oxfordshire, to discuss plans to undertake a trial culling of MPs and Ministers during the New Year in an attempt to tackle congenital stupidity around Westminster and Parliament concerning their species being blamed for the spread of contagious bovine tuberculosis in Broken Britain’s cattle herds.

Apparently topping the cull hit list in Posh Dave Scameron’s Zillionaire’s Cabinet is the expenses scandal-smeared Tory MP for East Nannygate - and incumbent Defra Minister, Caroline Spelman – she of the conspicuous Desperate Dan chin and ginger mingin thatch.

After reading of psycho Spelman’s grasping at straws ‘kill’em all!’ speciesism remedy to the bovine TB problem in discarded copies the Farmers Weekly and the Badger Baiters Gazette on a landfill site – to task Defra with the extermination of droves of another sentient mammalian species – a group of ‘young Turk’ badger activists decided they weren’t going to suffer another series of genocidal Holocausts like the Great Shaving Brush Massacres of yesteryear – hence the clan gathering to devise a plan to protest and thwart Spelman’s anti-badger Final Solution scheme.

The key strategy formulated is to ignore the fact that ‘sympathy’ is sited in the dictionary right between ‘shit’ and syphilis’ – and utilise their black and white furry mien and comic ambling gait to advantage – to play on the ‘cuddle’ factor and stir up the voting public’s empathy in support of their ‘survivalist’ cause – with the generated nationwide outcry of indignant rage over the proposed ‘ethnic cleansing’ programme directed back at Spelman and Defra.

While marches with banners and placards - nor the ‘We are the 99%’ approach - are really suited to a badger-themed ‘wildlife conservation’ protest, the ‘Occupy’ thesis most definitely is – with plans now laid to burrow and invest Parliament Square’s turfed acres during the Christmas holiday and excavate a cavernous system of setts – turning the entire green into a massive clan colony by the time the House of Conmans resumes its sessions in January.

Private animal-loving sponsors have now formed a Badger Power group and aligned themselves with the Badger Trust charity – and contracted publicity supremo Max Clifford’s agency to promote a campaign to support the badger’s cause – with displays of romping baby badgers planned on the Westminster lawns to win the hearts and minds of children, Grandmas, and soppy tourist types – and an Adopt a Badger scheme – plus the sale of dartboards and punchballs adorned with the wicked Spelman’s ‘Witchiepoo’ face.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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