Saturday, 10 December 2011

Kepler 22b: House n Lot for Sale

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A committee of anoraks and beardies at NASA’s Ames Centre for Advanced Guessology, all armed with more degrees than a Met Office thermometer, have finally confirmed the existence of an Earth-like planet in the habitable orbit zone of a G-type main sequence star similar to our own sun.

The planet, named Kepler 22b, is double the size of Earth with a similar distribution of land mass and oceans - hence ideal for supporting a 15 billion head population and huge swathes of council housing estates - and has an approximate equatorial temperature of 22 Centigrade – but unfortunately lies over 600 light-years distant – what celestial theoreticians and astronomers refer to as ‘very, very far away’.

Regardless of the latter fact being a hard core deterrent to vacation destination travel, let alone a weekly commute, since the news of Kepler 22b’s existence was broadcast across the global television networks last week the moronic public have inundated Sir Richard Branston-Pickle’s ‘Virgin Galactic’ company with inquiries as to travel schedules and ticket prices from Earth to the new planet aboard their prototype SpaceShipOne – ignorant of the fact the craft’s design limits it to sub-orbital ‘up n down’ excursions and not equipped to breach the Karman atmosphere / space boundary.

However the British public, notorious for their gullibility due decades of insidious propaganda conditioning by a succession of corrupt governments bent on achieving an Orwellian social engineered state populated with compliant tax-paying drones, have overwhelmed the Citizens Advice Bureau offices and local town halls with inquiries concerning doing a flit to Kepler 22b.
Will they still be able to receive their welfare benefit giro? Is a EUSSR passport valid for travel there? Do I need a visa? How about immunization shots? Will cellphone texts messages still reach Earth? What’s the current council tax rate - and what’s the deal with school catchment areas?

Hmmm, a plethora of moronic questions ranging from “Can yer cash in yer Pukesbury’s Nectar points?” to “Do they have Old Headbanger lager on tap?” – with no fucker or their dog asking the obviously pertinent - if the place is inhabited by cannibals or other flesh-munching nasties - and totally disregarding such basic life and death survival issues as to the quality of the atmosphere or potable water.
Just a headlong insane rush to get the fuck off this fubar mess of a mismanaged space rock and settle somewhere new – where crooked and corrupt politicians and banksters haven’t infested the place like vermin and no-one gives a shit about the doomed euro.

Unsubstantiated rumours abound that the Ripoffs Building Society had to close its doors last Tuesday afternoon after being swamped with applications for a mortgage on one of the slew of Kepler 22b properties put up for auction on e-Bay by dodgy real estate developers.

Further to the grist from the rumour mill, gossip that Israel’s land-grabbing Ministry of Zionist Acquisitions has already staked claims to the entire planet’s land mass under the terms of a secret codicil contained in the Balfour Declaration – which is further backed up by their Manifest Destiny / Chosen People contract with God - have been denounced as a foul propaganda attack by anti-Semitic elements and Holohoax deniers.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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