Sunday, 4 December 2011

UK Women Rated Fattest in Europe

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Brussels-based EuroFat data agency which carried out social studies in all 27 countries belonging to the EUSSR community, on behalf of the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, recorded almost one third of UK women - 32.9% - as between ‘porky’ and ‘lard-arsed’ – thus labelling them in the ‘Fat Slobs’ category for being the most obese in Europe – and globally coming second only to Western Samoa – excepting the good ole US of A where the majority of the female (and male) population are blubber-ridden between the ears for electing Barry Obama-Soetoro-Shabazz - the Kenyan-Indonesian son of Malcolm X - as the first ‘impostor’ African President.

By way of coincidence, the Libservative Coalition’s Health Secretary Andrew Lansley last month launched a fatally-flawed government-sponsored bid to reduce obesity levels in England before the NHS sinks beneath the weight (sic) of patients with flab-related chronic health problems and illnesses.

Lansley informed a gaggle of media reporters “Not only do we have grossly overweight patients turning up at their GP clinics and hospital A & E units who can no longer touch their own toes – the majority can’t even see their own feet.”
“It’s gone far beyond a problem of high cholesterol and arteriosclerosis being the root cause of cardio-thrombosis and heart attacks – now the complaints centre around the patients being too fat and heavy for their skeletons to support – hence they’re in need of hip replacements if lucky – with the majority suffering spinal displacements and confined to industrial 4 x 4 wheelchairs.”

And here a bone of contentious controversy enters the picture as a sub rosa section of the EuroFat study report, leaked to the gutter press by whistle-blowing snitches on a shit-stirring mission, claims that the proportion of women who are clinically obese and overweight falls as the educational level and intelligence quota rises – which civil rights campaigners have been quick to criticise as purposely rigged to target and vilify the marginalised and lower social ranks of Broken Britain’s society with yet another class-conscious stigma – equating that ‘fatties’ weren’t smart enough to get into University – and the privileged elite few armed with a PhD will be blessed with an 18:25 body mass index reading for all eternity - whatever they eat and drink.

Ms Glenda Slugg, a sixteen-year old mother of three and 14 stone spokesperson for the Manchester-based Couch Spuds Club, wearing an “I Beat Bulimia” t-shirt, told one press hack from the Flabsters Gazette “It’s not effin’ right, these bleedin’ government surveys an’ studies an’ what-have-yer, always pointin’ the fickle finger of fate at us folks wot’s stuck here on the council’s sink or swim housin’ estates wiv eff’ all ter do but go down the welfare benefits office an’ show yer face now an’ again – an’ yer stuck here watchin’ repeats of Come Dine Wiv Me on the goggle box an’ then yer gets the munchies an’ have ter send the kids off down ter the chippy fer a Scoobie snack.”

“But that’s our effin’ lot in life isn’t it, eh. The only exercise I get is goin’ upstair ter the bog fer a crap – an’ traipsin’ round Poundland on a Saturday ter stock up wiv crisps an’ biccies – or goin’ down the road ter me mate’s ter get a pouch of duty free Golden Virginia. We don’t get no chance like the toffs ter go horse ridin’ or fox huntin’ or join these fancy health spas an’ shit - an’ have one of them personal trainer gigolo types wot’s the spit of some Latin film star an’ is built like a pikey’s dog – all dick an’ ribs.”
“Don’t get me wrong, like. I’ve done me best wiv the kids, tryin’ ter serve ‘em up their 5-a-day: fish fingers, wedgies, mushy peas, bread an’ marg’ and a milk shake but all they wants is junk food an’ goin’ down ter the pizza place or Biffo’s Spew n Chew Burger joint.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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