Friday, 2 December 2011

Strikers: Surplus to Requirements

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Did anyone notice a difference to their everyday activities due Wednesday’s industrial action? Nope – me neither. So, two million-plus public sector workers have stuck their necks out and been proved to be surplus to requirements following their mass walkout one-day strike as no fucker or their dog noticed any hindrance or obstruction to their daily routine.

While the 24 hour strike might well have been the biggest walk-out since the last big walk-out, as it doesn’t seem to have brought Broken Britain to a grinding halt or even come close to toppling the structure of civilisation as we know it, then employers are going to be looking with acute scrutiny at their minimum manning requirements and perhaps considering a swathe of pre-Christmas redundancies to help their corporate austerity drives along.

To downplay any positive achievements of the Wednesday public sector workers’ strike, the Libservative PM Posh Dave Scameron, addressing the House of Conmans assembly today, branded the TUC’s radical enterprise as a fiasco and a ‘damp squib’ and declared he was seriously considering the adoption of Flop Gear’s six-foot dildo presenter, the slack-jawed Jeremy ‘Gobshite’ Clarkson’s ‘Final Solution’ answer to dissuading workers from going on strike – by shooting the bloody lot.

To this end Scameron has this afternoon issued orders to Met Commissioner Hulk Hogan to field his SO19 Armed Response Squad – (currently all still locked and loaded after double–tapping the unarmed Mark Duggan in Tottenham last August) – to get out on the streets and while hopefully avoiding contact with ambulant Brazilian electricians, start picking off any and all striking public sector stragglers wearing 99% t-shirts and out to ‘Occupy’ something or the other and push the industrial action into a week-long affair – preferably adhering to Clarkson’s advice to the letter and shooting them in front of their families as a lesson not to adopt a Bolshie ‘Oppositional Defiance Disorder’ attitude and disobey the government.

Conversely, now TUC bosses are up in arms following the moronic Clarkson’s outburst on national telly, and calling for a repeat performance of the strike action during the coming week – this time to push Scameron’s inept government to declare Jeremy Clarkson persona non grata and exile him to the Isle of Man where he can fall out with ramblers taking a short cut across his patio.

The BBC disclosed it had received complaints about the comments but were reticent to provide exact numbers – but which were believed to be in excess of what statisticians refer to as “a Biblical multitude”.
While the BBC’s ‘Knobhead Hour’ programme has apologised for Clarkson’s philistine comments, friends and associates alike have described him as a self-opinionated dog wanker and a gobshite.

TUC leader Frank McSkanger informed the media that “If this is the best Clarkson can come up with as comic value then he’s about as funny as a course of chemotherapy in a Soviet gulag clinic.”
“The bloke’s a smarmy overpaid prick stricken with a chronic affliction that prevents him from engaging brain before opening his big mouth - especially when he complains about having his train journey on RattleTrack delayed due the fact some hapless poor sod’s committed suicide and thrown themselves off the station platform onto the railway lines because of being fed up with all the delays and cancellations.”
“Basically, following his derogatory comments which might well be construed as criminal, the majority of our union membership would like to see Clarkson shoved into a sack with a wild animal and thrown in a raging river. How does that sum up our sentiments?”

Clarkson’s sister however did come to her obnoxious bro’s defence, telling one press hack from the Tossers Gazette that “Eee, well, that’s our effin’ Jeremy isn’t it, I suppose – yer typical Doncaster donkey. Yorkshire bred an’ stricken wiv verbal diarrhoea since he were a kid – every time he opens that big trap of his it’s only shit wot comes out – but I’ll give him his due as he’s well paid fer bein’ a class act talentless twat wot dresses like a rag an’ bone man wiv a Brillo pad haircut. But as we say up here, yer can’t educate pork an’ the best yer can get from a pig is a grunt.”

STOP PRESS – DROP THE DEAD STRIKER: Trade union bosses today suffered a massive sense of humour failure and took the shit-for-brains celebrity Flop Gear presenter (the long flabby one) Jeremy Clarkson seriously and his comments to have striking public sector workers shot on sight totally out of context – and are now seeking legal advice on how they can either sue or best pillory him.
Don Scrunt, the boss of Unison, the UK's largest union, invited Clarkson to make an apology and invited him to join a healthcare assistant to experience the realities of 'hands-on' work through daily life in a hospital’s Proctology Department.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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