Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Wicked Wind Downs Turbine Towers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Despite several of the ‘blot on the landscape with their intrusive presence’ Brobdingnagian monstrosities shaking to bits and falling over like a well-stoned Goliath during the space of the past week - and crushing a pick and mix assortment of cattle and senior citizen ramblers as they crashed unceremoniously to the ground - parties of self-interest PR spin merchants representing the wind turbine industry are insisting – against all logic and blatant evidence to the contrary - that the humungous units are safe and every home should have one.

According to Ron Scumm, spokesman for turbine manufacturers Renewable UK – formerly Scrapheap Challenge – interviewed by a press hack from the Fuckups Gazette “Incidents like this are very rare and in these recent cases, as anti-Green saboteurs don’t seem ter be blameworthy, it’s a thing we’re putting down to an act of God – force majeure, if yer like - plus the fact it woz pretty windy.”

Yeah right, very rare occurrences – just like the Yucatan’s KT-Boundary Event that wiped out the dinosaurs – along with the advent of the Black Death – and the Chernobyl and Fuckupshima nuclear calamities – with the latter’s surrounding landscape now having an infestation of ‘glow in the dark’ mutant rats the size of fox terriers running around the place.

The first of the eyesore towering turbines came crashing down the cliffs above Rust Bucket Sands in Devon last Sunday and the second on the peak of Hard Luck Hill in Cornwall on Wednesday afternoon – much to the delight and collective applause of a group of primary school children out on an alternative energy learning experience day excursion when the toppling turbine’s blades severed their kiddie-groping teacher’s torso down the middle – prompting shouts of “Yeah, right on - Paedo Prichard’s a fucked unit!” – as they gathered round to light up cigarettes and take pix of the fallen mast and dismembered body on their smart phones.

Conversely, rumours abound that some latter day Don Quixote has been championing the cause of flocks of La Mancha’s neurotic sheep – all suffering from insomnia since the wind turbines have totally demolished their previous rustic comfort zone arboreal havens with all the 24/7 ‘swishing’ – and has taken to galloping around our once green and pleasant land on his Rocinante, tilting at wind farms with the assistance of that ever-faithful sidekick Mohammed al Panza and backpacks stuffed with demolition charges of Nano-Thermite and Semtex.

Bev Titwank, director of the paramilitary Country Guardians activist group, opined to the media that “Yeah, only too fuckin’ right they’re tryin’ ter push the sabotage by anti-wind farm protesters angle - ter cover up the fact their Gash-Crap Energy Systems turbines an’ masts are a bag of shite an’ not up ter the job.”

“Our graft an’ corruption-ridden Department of Energy mandarins wants ter stop tellin' pork pies about their speedin' offences an' get their effin’ finger out an’ have the Health an’ Safety wallahs do a proper risk assessment on these atrocious pieces of shite wot Posh Dave Scameron an’ the Libservatives are pushin’ wiv their ‘nudge-enomics’ – an’ the greedy graspin’ foreign-owned energy corporations wot’s tryin’ to ram this flawed technology down out gullets.”

“Wot we’re sayin’ is that plans fer new turbines should be stalled til an inquiry has bin completed – but then yer got Renewable UK - wot represents the industry – sayin’ any such move’s premature. But it's gonna be too fuckin’ late when one of these effin’ masts falls on a crowded church fete or Easter egg rollin’ picnic or a kid’s kite-flying tourney or summat like that.”

“The twats wot’s runnin’ Renewable are profit-motivated an’ don’t want ter see any negative factor affectin’ their business an’ income stream – so don’t give a flyin’ fuck an’ are gonna lie through their teeth ter maintain the status quo – especially when yer got the manufacturer an’ installer of these faulty turbines carryin’ out the investigation. Wot a load of old bollocks – that’s like the insurance company hirin’ the arsonist ter determine the cause of the fire – or that Met Plod Squad inquiry inter police corruption.”

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day: So, wind turbines are the power source of the future. Hmmm, does any fucker or their dog believe for one second that Mother Nature, a capricious bitch possessed by a most vexatious and contrary manner at the best of times, is going to play ball and make the wind blow simply to provide mankind with 24/7 electricity?
And not just ‘blow’ either – it’s got to be not too fast and not too slow – but ‘just right’ – like Trumpton’s town hall clock.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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