Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Is Kate a Cyborg or Really Human?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

PM Posh Dave Scameron last night went into total sycophantic muppet mode to kiss some royal arse by defending Katie Middleclass, informing press hacks that author Hilary ‘Witchipoo’ Mantel, a former child frightener, was completely off her rocker and out of order to compare the Princess with a shop window dummy – adding that Mantel might well write great books to wipe your bum on but what she's said about Kate was completely misguided.

Scameron further lambasted Mantel, stating for the public record, “In her wholly unqualified opinion, contrasted to Diana, the late Princess of Wales – who was unfortunately murdered on Royal orders in Paris back in 1997 to prevent her giving birth to that al Fayed Muslim costermonger’s sprog – this horrid and creepy cow Mantel claims that Kate looks like some emaciated laboratory-product Fabricant – just the same as the sexy slant-eyed slope in the Cloud Atlas movie that certain delinquent cabinet members downloaded from Pirate Bay last week.”

The piranha-toothed Mantel, suffering one of her frequent menopausal blonde moments – and obviously not out to win any popularity contests – or monarch-bestowed honours – seized the opportunity while speaking at the London Review of Royal Sluts Lecture to do a spot of selective backstabbing and compare the duchess to the likes of a cross-dressing Bono – ‘a gloss-varnished moron with a plastic smile’.

In her speech, titled ‘Undressing Anne Boleyn – Warts and All’, which related to royal women, Mantel also included snide remarks aimed at the late Princess Margaret, known in regal circles as the ‘Royal Bike’ as everyone had been for a ride on her.
“There’s been a vacuum since they had MI5 knock Di’ off - which none of the other royal trolls could even hope to fill – especially that chain-smoking harpy Gorgonzilla Parker-Bowles that Chazzer took up with. Good God, has the Prince of Wales never heard of Specsavers?”

“So Katie’s the answer – the replacement people’s Princess – and once she gets over her morning sickness ‘puke-a-thon’, the gutter press hacks will describe her as radiant – totally missing out on the point that her only purpose is to give birth. Kate was designed to fit the role of royal broodmare and a bit of a handy bonk for Wills while he’s assigned to the RAF Valley in Anglesey – so he doesn’t go off and get photographed fucking sheep – or behaving like his ginger-mingin cuckoo of a half-brother - Harry of the Hewitts – and shagging everything with a twat.”

Criticism aside, Mantel received a surge of support on the Twatter social networking site, with media scribbler Jemima Puddled Duck defending the author’s diatribe – agreeing that Kate came across as a semi intelligent dummy - albeit with a fabulous arse.

Last week the Royal Finger Pointer criticised the Italian ‘El Shitraker’ gossip magazine after it published photographs of the pregnant duchess in a bikini, taken while she was vacationing with Prince Wills on the elitist jet-setter’s Caribbean island of Le Expensive.

Conversely editor Alfonso Scummeroni, defended the use of the material, saying they were "photos of a young king-to-be having a grope at his wife’s tits” - and hence of interest to any self-respecting onanist dog wanker who needed that extra bit of sexual fantasy in their life.

With regard to Mantel’s splenetic speech, St James' Palace declined to comment officially, but one spokesman confided to media reporters “Who really gives a flying fuck what that tub of lard Mantel thinks about anything – and it will serve the nasty cow right if someone doses her morning coffee with polonium 210 – or ramblers find her body dumped in the David Kelly Memorial Woods – with her wrists slashed – or asphyxiated inside a big black North Face holdall.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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