Fizzy Soft Drinks: Gov’s Next Tax Target

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The latest piece of social engineering propaganda from the Ministry for Mass Media Distractions has publicised a report compiled by a gaggle of NHS quacks and clinicians at the Freddy Patel Centre for Post-Mortem Guesswork – who are calling for action over rampant obesity and petitioning that fizzy drinks be taxed into extinction - with junk food adverts banished from TV screens until the UK’s fat slob school kids have sidled off to bed for a furtive ‘under the covers’ game of Dai Nippon’s ‘Illusion’ RapeLay video game on their iPads and tablets.

So the ‘tax it’ propaganda is focused on synthetic sweetener soft drinks and high cholesterol fatty foods and the inherent diabetes / cardio-vascular dangers of eating and drinking the crap – and all well and good too but why is there nary a mention of the health dangers posed from the likes of Monsanto’s manky GMO Frankenfood Mutant Meals or Insta-Tumour microwave-ready 60% horsemeat cottage pie and lasagne dinners – full of ‘bute’ and nasty MSG artificial flavourings, colourings and preservatives - nor the neurotoxin aspartame drinks and candies sweetener that, like all excitotoxins – is accumulative in the body at cellular level and the main cause of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) – along with a host of other health problems and cancers?

Really, on a stand alone basis or in combinations, ingesting this shite will fuck up the human digestive system and physique – and our DNA faster than a plutonium enema – and to add to the hypocrisy, walk out of any NHS hospital and there’s a chew n spew fast food joint on the opposite corner offering fat-laden artery-blocking BOGOFs.

Sure, our not-fit-for-purpose money-grubbing government might well tax the living daylights out of them – at the consumer end of things - but for what purpose or end? If this shit is detrimental to health then instead of the NHS and Co going into default settings mode (aka ‘failure in performance’) simply ‘slap the crap’ with a prohibition order – re-brand the gastronomical garbage as a Class A controlled substance as per heroin and the other ‘coke’ and be done with the problem.

But no fucker or their dog in this Con-Dem Coalition is going to toss their hand in the air and state the fucking obvious – a total ban on junk tucker and turn all the fast food chew n spew joints – McD’s, Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Cilla’s Chunderama, Pukerella’s Pizza, Pedro’s Pukery, Barney‘s Botulism Bistro, Doggers Wood Conuts, Retcher Rick’s Restaurant, Vic’s Vomitarium, the Chunder Café or Salmonella Sub-Sandwich Centre - into Remploy workshops and factories.

Though lo and behold, that’s never going to happen when the likes of the fast food and soft drinks offenders – manufacturers and Greedy Grocer retailers alike (Pestco, Mammon & Snobfords and Pukesburys) – are on the Fortune 500 list and donate filthy lucre to the dominant political parties – plus spend more on lobbying the governments of the day ‘and’ unashamedly the food and health regulatory bodies – than the actual government dishes out in NHS healthcare.

The gospel according to a research team at the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, Broken Britain has one of the most obese populations on Earth - with about a quarter of adults classed as ‘fat cunts’ – which is fuck all to worry about really when considering the state of the beer-guzzling Germans - and lard-arsed Yanks over in the good ole supersized US of A – all just a couple of bad cholesterol steps away from a fatal heart attack or stroke – or both.

Further it is estimated that the 25% figure is predicted to double by 2050 – with a third of primary school leavers already overweight and making Greyfriars’ iconic Billy Bunter look like an anorexic reject from Auschwitz.

Conversely, doctors claim the confusion regarding the connections of fast food and fizzy drinks with an unhealthy lifestyle and generalised flabbiness is apparently being promulgated and heavily influenced through the lobbying campaigns run by ‘for profit’ self interest pressure groups – specifically the manufacturers and distributers of these toxic products that are negatively affecting the health of our nation’s compulsive nibblers.

In response Ron McScumm of the Junk Food Federation joined with Rita Titwank, spokeswoman for the British Soft Drinks Association who agreed the NHS and Department of Health have a one-size-fits-all regulatory approach that is, by design, simply incapable of distinguishing the wood from the trees.
Ms Titwank opined to one media hack from the Teletubbies Gazette that “It’s got nowt ter do wiv our fast foods an’ soft drinks. The punters need ter get off their fat arses an’ increase their levels of activity - do some exercise an’ go down the Jobcentre more often – an’ use the stairs at the welfare benefits office an’ not the elevators – an’ stop blamin’ their gaspin’ out-of-breath porkiness on our bespoke calorie controlled products.”

Thought for the day. Bullshit besides, it doesn’t really come down to a case of 24/7/365 cradle to grave / womb to tomb Nanny State meddling or regulation – if the political will is there and they want to do the right thing for the health of the common herd then just ban the shit outright, plain and simple.

Anyone still worried about horsemeat in the beef mince and the fact they might have eaten poor old Dobbin’s mum? More to the point is the fact if you ever eat fish fingers or sausages – and gave a thought of what the fuck’s in them?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.