Monday, 11 February 2013

Jobless Re-Branded as ‘Self-Unemployed’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a desperate attempt to juggle the figures and make themselves appear in a slightly better than ‘fucking useless’ light before the ever-vigilant public watchdog’s eyes, Broken Britain’s not-fit-for-purpose Con-Dem coalition government is attempting to resolve the unemployment crisis statistics by getting them below the current and most embarrassing two and a half million mark – not by forcibly deporting the Biblical legions of Polacks and Albanian pikey economic migrants now entrenched and hogging the UK job scene back to their European shithole points of origin – nor creating a stream of innovative and fresh work opportunities - but tasking the inept Department for Works & Pensions with reclassifying the jobless as ‘self-unemployed’.

Hapless members of the apathetic common herd, now inured to a life of fortnightly trips to their local Jobcentre Plus to sign on ‘yet again’ and continue to qualify for their £60-odd quid a week dole money pittance – have been covertly transferred to the government's Welfare-to-Work programme and coerced by stealth into subscribing to the all-new self-unemployed ‘zero benefits’ scheme.

Among the more laborious ‘clients’ assigned with Ripoffs Placements by the Jobcentre who agreed to speak with press hacks from the Daily Shitraker was Feral Beryl McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, who has been out of work since quitting school at 13 to become a full-time Mum - with no more than an NVQ1 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud to her educational qualifications portfolio.

Beryl was encouraged by her counsellor to sign up for the ‘self-unemployment’ scheme then set up her own gardening business – looking after the neighbour’s potted plants – or growing marijuana in the attic - and invent 16 hours a week of work via a spot of creative accounting so she could claim increased tax credits.
Further, she could open an eBay or Gumtree account and start selling all manner of things she managed to shoplift over the course of a week.

“Really, I did it just ter keep them twats happy an’ smilin’ an’ off me back – but I fuckin’ asks yer, wot incentive is there fer me ter work 16 hours a week when I can cut a couple of grand in hard cash wiv me acquired multi-taskin’ skills – wiv the Rent-a-Wank sex chat web-cammin’ a coupla hours in the evenin’ – plus pushin’ drugs round the estate here - an’ flogging me golly ter all them necrophiliac pervs wot hangs around Southern Cemetery on a Saturday night – an’ drop me sister or Ma a hundred quid fer baby-sittin'. Like the old adage goes – blood’s thicker than water an’ cash-in-hand’s got a stronger pull than gravity.”

Fellattia van der Gamm, director of the Employment Related Services Association, the quango body representing providers, informed the media there was no incentive for out-of-work people to be pushed, shoved, dragged kicking and screaming – or otherwise coerced - into signing up for the self-unemployed scheme, when like Beryl they’ve already tossed all socio-political prejudices to the four winds and applied their canny, street smart skill sets to reinvent themselves and thus stayed below the HMRC radar and only claimed welfare benefits as a God-given right - to stick in a tax-free offshore account for a rainy day.

A thought to ponder on. It all lies with manipulating rhetoric to influence the perception of reality. But at the end of the day there’s still no fucking jobs to be had. Hmmm, perhaps they need a new sign over the Jobcentre doors – Arbeit Macht Frei. Well, it worked okay at Auschwitz.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

self-unemployed. very witty

wiggins said...

Fookin rrrrsoles....I must be 'self-retired'. What a bummer.