Friday, 15 February 2013

NATO Nano-Drone Zapped with Fly Spray

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Tory Defence Minister Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond this week outlined the MoD’s 2013 projected shopping list – a whopping £36 billion quid for a new generation of nuclear-powered submarines, £19 billion for combat aircraft, a further £17 billion for the Royal Navy to go messing about in boats - plus £25 million for Pestco’s Finest Zip-Lock body bags.

Old Dandruff then sought to offset the gob-smacked looks on the faces of the House of Conmans Budget Committee with a demonstration of the all-new Icarus Hornet Nano Drone which features a micro camera and relays video images to a handheld control terminal screen – with such units normally in the safe-keeping of a cyber-savvy adolescent Technical Officer and well away from the ham-fisted, bungling clutches of gung-ho troopers.

In this case, Hammond was assisted by 10-year old RAF Cadet Spotty Arkwright in piloting the buzzing yellow and black striped mini drone around the committee chamber while explaining he’d signed a £20 million nicker contract with the Smegmadale-on-Sea based Pox Dynamics to supply and maintain 160 of the wasp-like UAV spy craft - which were originally developed for use by sexual voyeurs to peep through their neighbour’s bedroom windows – then later adopted by cottaging Tory cabinet ministers to keep a lookout for scandal-mongering paparazzi while they were otherwise engaged with their underage rent boys down in Barnes’ Doggers Wood.

Prototypes of the miniature surveillance helicopters have recently been fielded by British squaddies from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province - deployed on ISAF guard duty around the ripening opium poppy crops – with this being their first use in a frontline combat zone situation.

Powered by a couple of regular ‘pocket rocket’ size personal vibrator batteries, the Icarus Hornet is reported to have a range of almost one kilometre and a top speed of 35 kph (three times faster than any Taliban fedayeen can run) - with a flight duration span of up to 30 minutes before the main rotor stops and it hurtles to the ground – courtesy of Isaac Newton and gravity.

Sgt Ron McScrote confided to embedded media hacks that "We use the sneaky little fuckers to peep through hovel windows around the Afghan village and catch a glimpse of the women without their burkas on - and give the lads something to pour over when they’re having a wank as a change from fantasising over goats.”

Conversely, while the drones are vaunted for their ability to fly around corners and obstacles to identify potential hidden dangers, a squadron of bumblebee-sized aerial spy craft were downed and put out of action yesterday when a cadre of Taliban mujahideen fighters sprayed them with cans of Buzz-Gone insect killer.

Thought for the day. Taliban Colonel Mohammed al Ka-Boom, commander of the 14th Shaheed Semtex Vest Brigade based in Bellend Province told a reporter from the Jolly Jihad Weekly that “We have the answer to combat this annoying ‘insect’ device already – flyswatters.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ha - flyswatters. weapon of choice.