Inquiry Slams Rigor Mortis NHS Trust

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Parliamentary Healthcare Commission tasked with expediting the public inquiry into the chronic failings at Staffordshire’s NHS Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Incompetence - the biggest scandal in the history of National Ill-Health Service hospitals since the last big scandal – laid their report before the House of Conmans on Wednesday and will release its findings and conclusions to the public at a later date – following an in-depth ‘editorial’ and series of critical content excisions by a team of government spin surgeons.

However preliminary data leaked to the Gravediggers Gazette by Whitehall insiders for a mere thirty pieces of silver reveals that a gob-smacking 1,200 more deaths than would have been statistically anticipated occurred at the hospital during the 2005 / 2008 period - and that the ‘for profit’ motivated Grim Reaper Healthcare Corporation should never have been awarded the NHS contract to run the Staffordshire medical treatment facility due catastrophic short-comings in their entire recruitment and staffing program strategy which failed to be rectified by the upper echelons of the administration regardless of alerts and complaints from hands-on nursing staff who were stuck with dispatching ambulance-loads of corpses to the Stoke-based Freddy Patel Institute of Post Mortem Guessology for autopsy on a daily basis.

Previous investigations have already exposed the utter managerial chaos that further affected the running of the hospital at ward level and the systemic neglect responsible for over one thousand deaths of patients from 2005 to 2008 – with this latest inquiry - the fifth into a scandal that certain parties would sooner see dead and buried (sic – no pun intended) and simply go away - tasked with investigating why regulators and senior NHS panjandrums failed to take notice of the hordes of whistle-blowers grassing up the situation – or even heed the testimony of the 160-plus witnesses who gave evidence condemning the medical malpractices being employed by unqualified nursing staff and people impersonating doctors - and ignored by the Virgin Islands-based Grim Reaper Healthcare Trust’s board of directors .

The PHC report, composed of one million pages of evidence – which resulted in the decimation of thirty hectares of pulped Amazonian rain forest to print out – reveals a litany of damning, graphic details of how receptionists were left to decide which patients to treat or send home – with inexperienced immigrant doctors put in charge of surgical procedures to get some practice - and trainee nurses being unable to use vital equipment such as bedpans, enema bags and thermometers.

At the start of this year the Con-Dem PM Posh Dave Scameron stated for the public record that he was determined to make ‘improving care’ one of his top priorities for 2013 – which in light of recent ‘irregularities’ regarding foreign military aid to the Syrian terrorist rebels still attempting to overthrow the incumbent government of President Basher al Assad - and deploying British troops to Mali and Niger – it isn’t now certain if this vaunted ‘improvement in care’ boast was actually meant for the UK health service or basket case nations in North Africa.

Ron Scrote, chief executive of Cry for Help, an umbrella charity organisation of patient groups, opined to a press hack from ‘Sick as a Parrot’ magazine that the solution lay in hiring staff with actual medical qualifications and not just the usual piece of crap NVQ1 diploma in Advanced Bedmaking from some eastern European gyppo educational qualifications factory.

“Personally I’ve seen better organised riots than this fuckup of a health service trust but no matter how good the regulatory system, the inspectors can’t be every fucking where at once, now can they, eh?”
"Hence what we need is the families and friends to be the eyes and ears of the NHS and grass on these useless bastards if they’re not up to providing the professional level of care entrusted to them – and the patients themselves to scream out at the top of their voices until they’re heard and tended to. Of course this doesn’t apply to those in hospital with laryngitis or throat cancer – but they can bang a spoon against the bed pan instead."

In an interesting aside, Nurse Candida McSnitch, fired by Staffordshire’s Grim Reaper Healthcare Trust for her whistle-blowing activities concerning the disgusting patient care standards adopted at the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Incompetence – has been persuaded to drop her Employment Tribunal unfair dismissal case and settle out of court for what is rumoured to be a mega-bucks figure after going into scandal-mongering mode and informing media reporters “Fer Christ’s sake, this gang of bunglers runnin’ the hospital have left a bigger trail of dead bodies than the Black Death an’ that started me thinking - is this really a medical trust or some branch of Murder Incorporated wiv all the cost cuttin’ and shovin’ every fucker in the Euthanasia Ward an’ straight on the Liverpool Care Pathway.”

Conversely, the Tory’s rodentesque, smarmy Minister for Health, Jeremy ‘BSkyB’ Hunt, (formerly the ‘Mr Fix-It’ Culture Secretary who forgot he was supposed to be working for the British public demographic and not Rupert Mudrock’s New Corporation crime syndicate empire) spoke with media hacks outside Parliament, and sporting his customary shit-eating grin declared “It’s got nothing to do with me – I wasn’t around when all that happened between 2005 to 2008 – and on New Labour’s mismanaged watch, if you please. That was the time they were changing Health Ministers faster than Home Secretaries, so you best talk to John Reid or Patricia Hewitt or Alan Johnson – and that pair of dodgy civil service duffers, Sir Hugh Taylor and Nigel Crisp, who were supposed to be managing the NHS portfolio.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

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