Saturday, 23 February 2013

Tories Urge Pensioners: Go Back to School

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

David ‘Bonkers’ Willetts, the Minister for Universities and Science (and incumbent Tory MP for Old Scrotum) has issued a somewhat hare-brained press statement concerning age related issues being an encumbrance with older people searching for jobs – claiming they should return to higher education to make themselves ‘more employable’.

Disregarding the fact that Broken Britain is still bollocks-deep in a mosh pit state of post-industrial ‘depression’ (triple-dip variety or otherwise) purposely contrived by the Rothshite crime syndicate and a cabal of the Edomite Mafia’s shifty Shylock banksters to undermine the global economy – resulting in the common herd being faced with a jobless landscape - in Willets’ skewed opinion the UK’s senior citizens should point their Zimmer frames in the direction of the nearest university and go get an all-new degree-certified skill set that prospective employers will jump at.

Previously the cut-off point for student loans was 54 (seriously) – however, since the upper age limit for taking out a loan to cover tuition fees has now been raised to 100-plus, the over-60s can go back to university and study whatever the fuck turns them on – with Pharmaceutical Chemistry being a favoured option for a self-employed line of work – cooking up lots of synthetic designer drugs (crystal meth’, ecstasy, date-rape GHB and Rohypnol) on the kitchen stove for the local Yardie gang’s distributers – with Roofies being the top knock-out drug favoured by Rochdale’s Paki paedo’ taxi drivers and the Oxford-based Muslim child sex grooming gangs.

Criticism besides, Willetts justified this scheme to a press hack from the Crock a’ Shit Gazette, stating for the public record that “With people now living longer and the retirement / state pension qualifying age due to rise to 85 if we get back in at the next election, plus considering how inflation’s shooting up at a geometric rate, then folks in their late 50’s and 60’s should most definitely consider opting for a mature student loan and trotting off back to a devil-may-care boozy campus life for three years and sow any wild oats they’ve got left.”

“This move will give them an edge in the current job market wilderness – especially so if they take Polish or Bulgarian as a language study option and learn how to read the Cyrillic alphabet – then they’ll be quids-in to save for their eventual retirement ‘and’ repay the £27,000 nicker student loan.”

Certain more canny Lib-Dum members of the flawed Con-Dem Coalition have questioned Willett’s sanity on this issue and raised fears whether the older segment of the common herd being enticed to take out student loans will have enough time to actually repay them – or are likely to keel over with a fatal coronary or stroke due the excitement of the graduation ceremony while receiving their sheepskin.

At the consumer end of things, Ron McScrote, 72, complained he did a night school course to get an NVQ1 diploma as a qualified Recycling Technician (Bin Man) a couple of years ago – and passed summa cum laude - but was still turned down for employment by local council contractors on the discriminatory grounds he couldn’t walk without crutches.

Conversely Mrs Gladys Muffitch, a 69-year old widow from Smegmadale-on-Sea told media hacks that “Meself I reckon it’s a fuckin’ great idea an’ I’ve always bin interested in studyin’ tantric sex – so I intend ter sign up fer the Tantra Yoga instructor’s course an’ meet some strappin’ student wot’s in the same class an’ fancies older women. Hey, I might be a bit past the MILF stage of me life but I can still suck the patina off a brass doorknob when I takes me false teeth out.”

Hmmm, so much for Minister Willetts - formerly cabinet secretary for tea and biscuits. He with a disparaging sobriquet of ‘The Man with Two Brains’ – who regardless of having more degrees than an industrial thermometer lacks a single iota of common sense or nuance and is incapable of changing a light bulb – a task he contracts out to workmen at a cost to the taxpayer (claimed on MPs’ expenses) of £115 quid.

Really, what Tory Millbank HQ committee put this fucking idiot in charge of an education portfolio?

Willetts is indeed a dangerous personage to have anywhere around the House of Conmans where political decisions are made - due him advocating the New World Order’s proactive approach to the spread of liberal democracy throughout the known Universe by whatever means necessary - including military intervention – and don’t we have enough of that already in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya (what a fucking joke), Yemen, Somalia, Mali and Niger – and still pushing for the same in Syria – while the likes of Zionist arse-kissing Bahrain, Qatar and Saudi Arabia continue with their Western-approved barbaric versions of egalitarian ‘despotcracy’.

To add to his calumny, he blames split-arsed feminists for the UK’s burgeoning unemployed male statistics due Bolshie women who should be at home, slaving over a hot stove and content with a lifetime status of ‘well fucked and poorly shod’ – and not going out to get their cute arses educated then stealing all the good jobs from Tom, Dick and Harry – and Stefan from Cracow.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Thats a hoot. Nice one

wiggins said...

Where do they find these twats?