Saturday, 16 February 2013

Rampant Rumours & Official Denials

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

ITV has stated emphatically that the never-ending serial monotony known as Coronation Street that has been gluing the brain-dead common herd to the goggle box screen since the time of the Norman Conquest is not going to be renamed ‘Kiddie Fiddler Grove’ following the arrest and impending prosecution of Monty Le Scumm, who’s played the role of the Salford Council gulley sucker’s mate Ron McSodom for 30-plus years, making him the longest-serving paedophile in the cast since Len ‘Dolly Mixtures’ Fairclough’s liver imploded into a sub-nuclear alcoholic black hole back in 2002.

With regard to the spotlight focus being on all manner of alien flesh detected in meat products across the length and breadth of our once-sceptred isle – with Mammon & Snobfords cottage pies bearing traces of yak DNA, Pestco’s Finest lasagne stuffed with minced llama – and Pukesbury’s Capt Jack fish fingers containing 60% sea horse - and not the advertised succulent flakes of juicy North Atlantic cod - the UK’s McDonald’s Chew n Spew franchise has gone into total denial regarding the stream of malicious innuendo circulating in certain red top gutter press tabloids and around the Twitter network that they intend to introduce a line of bovine-free Dobbin Burgers to meet the demanding palates of job-snatching / welfare benefit scrounging economic migrants from the EUSSR’s Eastern bloc.

The Tory Party’s hierarchy have gone into rebuttal / damage control mode after their Secretary of State for Wales, David Jones, appeared on BBC Cymru’s ever-popular primetime Arse-About-Face programme yesterday and slammed the government's legislation for same-sex marriage – claiming that in his common sense opinion gay couples would be unable to provide a traditional Mummy & Daddy warm and safe environment in which to raise children.

Jones logically - and rightly - believes that as same-sex partners cannot procreate children together, the institution of marriage is one that should be reserved to opposite sex partners - a position vehemently jumped upon and criticised by New Labour’s shadow Welsh secretary Owen Smith, who informed a press hack from the Fudgers Gazette that Jones’ statement simply provides further evidence of how out of touch the Tories are with the realities of the modern world - as there is no existing law which prevents gay couples from having children.

Hmmm, methinks Farmer Owen is in need of a sharp wake up call ‘reality check’ himself if he’s that na├»ve and ignorant of the biological implications of same sex reproduction in humans – although Elton John and his sodomite partner seem to be knocking out a burgeoning brood via frosted semen cocktails and a surrogate mother from Foetus Industries ‘Renta-Womb’ division.

Meanwhile over in Odessa on the Black Sea coast, the Ukraine’s living, breathing human Barbie doll Valeria Lukyanova has finally shrugged off her mysterious internet Skype persona and appeared in public for the first time to prove she’s not purely a computer-generated fantasy or product of Adobe Photoshop – albeit any close-up inspection revealing she resembles a grotesque example of botched plastic surgery experiments.

With more than a trillion followers on Facebook and other social networks – plus an array of clips on YouTube with billions of hits between them, the Ukraine’s living, breathing answer to Barbie has experienced a rise from niche internet freak show to worldwide sensation faster as shit through a goose – all thanks to the vast financial resources and PR efforts of her vulgarian, nouveau riche husband Oleg 'Ken' Mobsaroubles, the Russian zillionaire oligarch and owner of the Gulag Gaz and Wankprom Oil conglomerates.

Looking rather top-heavy with her 38 CC cup bust, a 17 inch waistline and size 2 high heels, this living doll Barbie denies having her lower ribs surgically removed and puts the hourglass figure down to a strict diet of suck n swallow fellatio and devilish veggie cocktails.
“I nourish myself solely with liquid sustenance and striving for a combination of physical and spiritual perfection where I can subsist on the odd cup of latte and no longer have to take a shit.”

Ah well, bollocks to the immutable laws of Kansas as anything is possible in the never-never land of Oz, where Mammon and the cult of the Golden Calf pave the path to societal acceptance - and problems ethical, moral or legal are simply washed away as filthy lucre rains from the skies to fill the media irrigation channels and lubricate the works of restrictive bureaucracy into well-oiled compliance.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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