NHS First: Foreign Doc’s Must Speak English

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what the media are referring to as a National Ill-Health Service first, foreign doctors must now demonstrate their ability to speak fluent English - along with being able to read the same – and possess a fair understanding of the Hippocratic Oath’s gobbledegook for prescriptions written in Latin – a dead language now only used by a secret handshake cabal of pharmacists – and kiddie fiddling Catholic priests.

The English proficiency concerns were raised after a Nigerian doctor, Jaffacake Ubani - a graduate of Abuja’s prestigious Reverend Goodluck N’Dinga Coconut Veterinarian Hospital - gave a patient a fatal overdose on his first - and only - shift in the UK after he’d been previously rejected for employment by the Slumborough Primary Care Trust due his non-existent English language (and medical) skills.

Unfortunately Ubani was later employed at the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Apathy NHS Trust in Smegmadale-on-Sea where he mistakenly administered a barium enema to the wrong patient – via his intravenous drip – which a pathologist from the Freddy Patel Institute for Post-Mortem Guessology claimed would have worked a lot faster than the standard practice Liverpool Care Pathway euthanasia method of getting shut of oldies and freeing up beds.

Since that major scandalous fubar the General Medical Council has condemned the gaping hole in regulations which resulted in the clinical and language skills of so-called doctors from Third World basket case nations going unchecked for being of an acceptable standard – with Tory Health Minister Dr Dan Poultice emphasising that henceforth English skills must be up to scratch - and simple headshaking or ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers at licencing and placement interviews will no longer be acceptable.

“Unfortunately it’s not just a series of highly embarrassing incidents regarding the use of suppositories – or patients getting castrated when they came in for a vasectomy – but there’s been simply too many dead bodies turning up in the hospital morgues - and the wrong bits getting taken out or cut off in operating theatres as the sodding doctor can’t read plain English and tries to cover up the fact by listening to his MP3 player, nodding a lot, and makes a botched job of a simple appendix and doing a radical hysterectomy by mistake.”

However, from April there will be a legal duty placed on NHS Trusts to ensure a foreign doctor's English is up to scratch before they are employed – with health officials hoping that in the interim period the usual suspects won’t ‘terminate’ too many of their hapless patients – by accident.

Chlamydia Mingerot from the General Medical Council informed one press hack from the Body Bag Review that “These tighter regulations are extremely welcome and will hopefully strengthen patient safety from further acts of gross negligence manslaughter. It is only fair and right that patients should be able to understand and be understood by their doctor if we are to give them any form of medical care they might recover from and walk out of a NHS Trust hospital under their own steam – and not feet first in a coffin.”

In agreement was the British National Party firebrand health portfolio spokesman Ron ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, who opined to media reporters that “This is the kind of crap yer faced wiv when yer got these twats comin’ here from Woga-Woga Land wiv some medical degree wot’s bin scribbled out in crayon on the back of a corn flakes packet – cos all they’ve done before is hand out cowshit poultices an’ dance around castin’ spells like some Juju Man.”
“An’ I’ll tell yer wot. The next thing yer gonna hear from these tossers is complaints and protests that this new regulation is discriminatory an’ racist in nature an’ aimed directly at Third World darkies.”

Are you a foreign doctor working in England? What do you think of the National Ill-Health Service’s plans? If you can speak or read the Queen’s English then send us your thoughts and comments using the online form below and you could win a free copy of Medicine for Dummies.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, pity the same English language requirement isn’t being applied to this bunch of Polish pantomime plumbers and roofers doing the rounds and impersonating Bob the Builder.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.