Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Islamic Terrorists Behind Horsemeat Plot

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Health Secretary Jeremy ‘BSkyB’ Hunt, he of the perennial shit-eating grin, yesterday informed press hacks that the Met’s Plod Squad should get off their arses and instead of attempting to cover up the identities of Tory cabinet ministers who bummed little boys at the Elm Guest House, start to investigate which foreign commercial power is behind the Islamist / Gyppo Pikey agents provocateur plot to undermine Britain’s ready packed meals industry – before some hapless member of the common herd gets poisoned through scoffing horse burgers contaminated with phenylbutazone – a nasty toxic chemical that really mongrelises and fucks up human DNA even faster than Monsanto’s genetically-modified Frankenfood ‘Insta-Mutant Meals’.

So too with Defra Minister Owen ‘The Cobbler’ Paterson, after finally getting shafted by Posh Dave Scameron – along with officials from the incompetent Food Standards Agency - over his laissez-faire attitude towards the horsemeat scandal and telling the public there’s no problem - has now swung a full 180 degrees and claims its all an international conspiracy.

Hopping from one foot to the other as though he needed a toilet or was suffering from an acute case of nappy rash – or his haemorrhoids had become ‘unbanded’ – Farmer Owen spoke to media reporters outside the Chicken Little Institute for the Promotion of Mass Hysteria – and claimed the evidence so far suggests the horse flesh contamination was a result of either criminal activity or gross negligence – then went so far as to point the fickle finger of fate at a paramilitary cell of Romanian Muslim Gyppo terrorists as being behind this plot to throw a spanner in Broken Britain’s microwave-ready meal industry’s cogs - as they hate our democratic freedoms.

Yep, that’s right – you heard the man. Romanian Gyppo Jihadists - the latest Pikey addition to the global Al Qaeda franchise. Really, where does the Con-Dem Coalition get these fucking people? Is it congenital imbecility or do they shake the trees – or is it something they’re smoking or spreading on their breakfast cereals?

However, and here’s the crunch - due ridiculous EUSSR legislation laid down by the bonkers jobsworth bureaucrats in Brussels, Farmer Owen reckons he can’t ban the import of beef (even the equine variety) unless there’s a proven health risk.
Health risk – course there’s a fucking health risk. Apart from the fact we don’t eat horses, this donkey-bovine blend that’s all over our profiteering Greedy Grocer supermarket chain’s shelves might be chocker with bute (phenylbutazone) - and for all we know could have died from galloping hoof rot or rabies - or Christ knows what else horses catch from running around fields in all that shit and mud and eating grass.

The Lib-Dum’s porker-breeding food minister David ‘Whiskers’ Heath claims frozen food should not be discarded, and advised consumers to carry on eating meat as he personally didn’t see a problem or health issue with the odd Findus microwave-ready frozen horse lasagne – which has now been traced back to a French supplier. Hmmm, France eh - should we now question whether the crap’s further contaminated with snails or frogs legs?

Supermarket chain Pestco said DNA tests on its Finest Frozen Beef Lasagne and Frozen Spaghetti Bollocknasty showed they contained between 30% and 100% horsemeat – and minor traces of llama – which although humans might shy away from eating could still be fed to the family’s pet dog or cat.

In a final gob-smacking display of adding insult to injury, the Findus fish fingers were found to contain 60% sea horse and not the advertised succulent flakes of EPA-rich Atlantic cod.

Thought for the day. Anyone tested for traces of kangaroo, rat or worm meat yet? How about the Somali refugee who fell into the meat grinder at the Chez Dobbin Coulez-Vous processing plant in Marseille last month? Where did that batch of mince end up, we wonder – in Pestco’s Cannibal Burgers?
We need to start looking on the packets and tins – like the blanket ‘one size fits all’ warning of ‘may contain traces of nuts’ as product was packed in a lunatic asylum – should now be labelled ‘may contain traces of horse’ as product was prepared in a stable.

Horsemeat - yet another Jesuit, Masonic, Zionist kikester plot to undermine our national identity and Anglo-Saxon Dobbin-loving culture.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a pick and mix selection of equine species - horses, mules, donkeys and zebra – may have had their sensibilities shaken and caused fear and alarm.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Like it. The latest Pikey addition to the global Al Qaeda franchise. Lol's.