Nick Clegg: Stricken with Mushroom Syndrome

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Sunday’s scandal-mongering gutter press red top tabloids, Britain‘s Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has – under the unwritten ‘guilty by association’ statutes of barrack room law – been implicated in a sex scandal involving a senior member of his Librarian Dummercrat Party, who stands accused of molesting scores of female party workers.

In the Lib Dum hierarchy’s defence, Business Secretary Vince Cobble, speaking on the BBC's Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr Show, maintained he and Clegg were never informed of any accusation of professional impropriety or sexual misconduct against their former chief executive, Lord Christopher ‘Trouser Snake’ Rennard.

Conversely, the Daily Shitraker claims Clegg, as the Lib Dums’ leader, was made aware of – and ordered suppressed - reports five years ago that party chief Chris ‘Rampant’ Rennard had been sexually harassing female activists while in office by showing them his ‘one-eared elephant’ trick.

Denials besides, amid the mounting claims of a cover-up, evidence is growing that senior party officials ran an organised campaign to silence the women and put the block on any internal investigation in a bid to bury what could turn out to be an embarrassing scandal – with one female party worker coerced into signing a gagging order after she tried to blow the whistle on Rennard’s soft rape activities and expose him as a low-life Scouse tosspot.

Bev Titwank, a former secretary at the Lib-Dum’s Great George Street HQ in Westminster, who claims she was sexually harassed by Rennard on a daily basis, described to a press hack from the Doggers Review how the party offered a bizarre form of ‘restorative justice’ in which she could confront the erring peer in private over his alleged molestations - and give him a good kick in the goolies to settle matters.

Several women, maintaining an air of anonymity at this stage of the media expose game by wearing Muslim burkas, informed ITV’s primetime Spot the Slut programme that Rennard abused his position by propositioning them and inappropriately touching their private parts.
One said she’d spoken to two senior party figures about her claims, but they treated the matter as a bit of a joke.
“There I was, bending over the photocopy machine and that dirty twat Rennard come along and starts thrutching his crotch up the side of my leg – just like dogs do."

Lib-Dum PR spin doctor Candida Mingerot, of Shitewash Consultants, related her ‘sexperiences’ with the triple-chinned Rennard at their party HQ.
“I thought at first the fat slob had just brushed against me, then I moved away and it happened again – the dirty scumbag just kept moving closer – and poking his porky fingers in parts of me that I didn't want poked – like my bumhole - and then whispered in my ear if I wanted to shake hands with his one-eyed python.”

Alike the Jimbo Savile scandal, women are now crawling out of the woodwork to register their litany of complaints regarding the in-office ‘Grope-a-Thons’ to which they were subjected by Rennard - and stating for the public record they suffered Kafkaesque interrogations at the hands of party whips – with their claims dismissed as self-delusional.

Ron McScrote, editor of the grassroots Lib Dum Voice website, has likened the party’s handling of the allegations to the way the Beeb dealt with the 70’s and 80’s revelations about Savile – by burying them and either paying off victims – or having MI5 come round and shove them into a big black North Face holdall and toss them in the Thames at Gravesend.

In his own defence Clegg had this to say to media hacks. “Hey, just cos I’ve got this Deputy Prime Minister’s job doesn’t mean to say these Tory twats tell us anything – I’m a sodding mushroom where cabinet decisions and the information chain are concerned – kept in the dark and fed shit.”
“For Christ’s sake, I didn’t even know we were part of a coalition with the Tories back in 2010 until I saw it on ITV’s Newsnight.”

“Same with this brewing scandal that Chrissy Rennard had been groping a few of the office slags down at Great George Street – the first I knew about it was when I heard it on the radio this morning when Vince Cobble was denying knowledge of the affair.”
“Really, if things aren’t bad enough already with the brouhaha over that kiddie fiddling fat old tosser Cyril Smith going round orphanages and bumming little boys, now we have ‘Rennard-Gate’ to contend with.”

Thought for the day. Poor Nick - even the poxy tabloid press spell his name as ‘Mick Clogg’ – little wonder the bloke’s got an inferiority complex.

But talk about the past catching up with you – WTF next, we might ask? Lloyd George wasn’t just a goat who’d hump a sick chicken but a raving paedo too?
Well, what’s all the fuss about? Westminster’s gone into sex scandal hysteria mode. At least Rennard’s only been groping women – quite a natural pursuit – and not a kiddie fiddling fudger like the majority of the scrotes in government service.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.