Friday, 8 February 2013

Global Idiocy Confirmed as Contagious

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, in conjunction with Whitehall’s Department for Wasting Time & Money, had caused such a chaotic hue and cry brouhaha over their ill-conceived scheme to abolish GCSEs in key academic subjects and replace them with a new English Baccalaureate that the slack-jawed Tory Education Minister Pob Gove went into a convulsive frenzy, spat the proverbial dummy and to relieve a case of chronic pre-menstrual stress syndrome, has abandoned the flawed flagship plan in entirety.

While the move is rumoured to be a direct result of pressure from within the coalition by the Lib Dum shit-stirrers – plus a swathe of criticism from MPs across the political spectrum – the true reason is said to lie in the fact that while most of the common herd understand what the acronym GCSE stands for they haven’t got a fucking clue what Baccalaureate means – with most guessing it’s some kind of continental card game or a exotic musical instrument – or a download app’ for the latest smart phone.

Meanwhile up in horrible Hull, where no fucker knows what a GCSE is, let alone a Baccalaureate, the smarmy Lord Peter Scandalson of the Fudgers – aka Vermin in Ermine - renown for his brass necked shamelessness, is to be appointed to the newly resurrected ceremonial post of High Steward and follow in the footsteps of his Labourite grand-daddy, Herbert Morrison.

While the post is one of ceremonial significance, doubtless the slimy Scandalson will manage to invest a modest degree of Mr Fix-It influence peddling into the role to further stimulate and gratify his insatiable thirst for power-mongering and filthy lucre – under the apathetic eye of his new partner in crime, the Sheriff of Hull – ex-Tory MP, Baroness Virginia ‘Skeletor’ Bottomley of Nettlebum.

Off onto the quantum physics side of things, the University of East Anglia’s Department for Advanced Guesswork – already notorious for their (hacked) manipulation of global warming data to drum up sympathy for drowning polar bears and boost the propaganda for establishing the carbon credits cap and trade exchange bourse – have now concocted a pantomime drama of Brobdingnagian proportions that predicts how Broken Britain will cope when the Sun decides to throw a bit of a menopausal wobbler and launch a Coronal Mass Ejection (a mega-nuclear ‘killshot’ plasma cloud of charged particles) solar superstorm that will make one hell of a fuck of things here on good ole Planet Earth.

However following a study of the effects caused by the last superstorm - known as the Carrington Event - in 1859 – the beardies and anoraks – all possessed with more degrees than an industrial thermometer (and not a pinch of common sense between them) – have decided in their unqualified collective opinion, that things won’t be too bad.
On the 1859 occasion the Aurora Borealis and Aurora Australis polar electromagnetic fields joined hands at the Equator for weeks on end, with the night skies lit up by magnificent luminous displays around the world – and unfortunately caused a few telegraph lines to explode due the spiked EMP effect.

Conversely, in 1859 there were no orbiting satellites to worry about, nor the extensive electrical power grid or the cellphone / Wi-Fi systems we have today – along with DGPS navigation, hundreds of commercial aircraft flying at any one time - day or night - and one thousand and one other EMP-prone devices – both domestic and commercial - that will get cooked if – and when – the Sun gets a snot on and goes ballistic.

Alas, all we have in the way of early warning systems for a solar flare of that devastating magnitude is the Advanced Composition Explorer satellite which can provide up to 15 minutes warning of a solar killshot – just enough time to bend over, stick your head between your legs – and kiss your ass goodbye.
Hence the call is out for the government to set up a new quango – specifically the UK Space Weather Board – which will doubtless prove to be as much use as our existing not fit for purpose Met Office weather bureau.

Hmmm, with the Con-Dem Coalition’s austerity policies being forced down our throats like some Dickensian purgative, isn’t this just what we need - our bloated government bureaucracy getting even fatter by establishing a Solar Superstorm Board. Perhaps we’d be better off with a Bullshit Board.

And just to prove conclusively that the world’s gone totally fucking bonkers, down-under in Ozzie, the National Health and Research Council has banned kids from blowing out birthday candles on cakes at childcare centres over fears of germs spreading.
Oh well, that’s social interaction taken another beating – so much for multicultural integration and the Big Society.

Stop press: Findus fish fingers now confirmed to contain 30% sea horse meat.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Fish fingers / sea horse meat - that's a cracker.