Dumb & Dumber Cop Life Sentence

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Described by Mr Justice Dinsdale Ffitch-Gargoyle at Swansea Crown Court as the most staggeringly incompetent contract killers in the history of staggering incompetence – and labelled by the national red top gutter press tabloids as the biggest pair of stupid twats in the known Universe - Ron Knobhead, 38 and Frank McDork, 39 – both residents of Scallydale-on-Sea, Cardiff - were yesterday sentenced to life imprisonment for killing the wrong man at the wrong address - in the wrong street – and the wrong town – a series of mistakes blamed on their car boot sourced second hand TomTom GPS unit and the fact both are severely encumbered in their social intercourse efforts due being stricken with the sum total IQ of an ADHD-stricken dyslexic hamster.

Allegedly contracted by Swansea crime lord ‘Taf the Man’ Jones through their local Jobcentre Work-Search website’s Murderers-4-Hire section to deliver the ritual kiss of death to a Cardiff-based business rival – a Welsh-Ukrainian fly-by-night property dealer known only as Igor Scumbagsky – Knobhead and McDork were paid £1,000 quid apiece up front – on the understanding they sorted out their own tax and NI contributions and expedited the hit before squandering the fee on a pick and mix bag of hard drugs and booze – a stipulation which apparently the hapless assassins wholly ignored and instead got stoned out of their tiny minds prior to embarking on the homicidal mission.

Stopping off en route at a Pound Stretcher outlet the pair were gob-smacked to find no stock of handguns, assault rifles or even baseball bats on the shelves so settled for a selection of cheap kitchen knives and a claw hammer as their homicidal weapons of choice – along with a six-pack of Meths Breezers.

From here on in the worst tenets of Murphy’s Law were superceded by Flanagan’s Precept (which states Murphy was an optimist) and the pair took several wrong turns, finding themselves in Bridgend and McDork’s dodgy GPS unit selecting a wholly erroneous Rapscallion Terraces address – where they stopped outside No 37, kicked in the front door then proceeded to stab and beat to death pensioner Gladys Mingerot as she attempted to fight them off with her Zimmer frame and a menthol inhaler.

In the murder’s wake the Plod Squad manhunt traced the killers' Hertz-rental VW Polo used in the crime to the car park of the Reefer & Hemp pub where McDork and Knobhead were treating themselves to a ‘job well done’ celebration booze up.
Traces of Mrs Mingerot’s blood were found in the hire vehicle, as were McDork's fingerprints and Knobhead’s' DNA – along with the sanguine hammer and bladed murder weapons – and a well-thumbed copy of Homicide for Dummies handbook.

Thought for the day. Satire and black humour besides, these two might well constitute a top end score on the retard / moron scale for the erroneous and tragic killing of a 17-year old teenage Asian brown school student instead of the contracted target – a middle-aged white Welsh property dealer – yet in contrast the Met Plod Squad’s SO19 Armed Response Unit clots are no better when they can’t tell the difference between Mohammed al Patsy, the notorious al Qaeda Paki Muslim terrorist and a Brazilian electrician on Stockton Tube Station – and no fucker went to prison for that count of gross incompetence either. Another senseless waste of human life that now bears the label of ‘justice denied’.

Talk about gun bans – some fucker ought to disarm the Met’s uniformed psychopaths.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.