Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Scameron Touts Neo-Colonialism – With a Twist

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Posh Dave Scameron, the UK’s Prime Minister ‘without a mandate’ - leaving his ‘austerity measures’ coat of many dark and depressing colours back in Downing Street - informed a gaggle of neck-weaving gutter press hacks that Broken Britain is set to forge one of the great trade partnerships of the 21st Century with the Indian sub-continent - as he arrived in Mumbai on Monday (hot on the heels of French President Francois Hollande’s trade mission to flog their new supersonic Rafale fighter-bomber) to begin a three day visit.

Diplomatic fingers were crossed that no fucker or their dog – student activists / anarchist radicals etc - would turn up on the airport tarmac with a host of ‘Shame’ placards and banners to pull some Bolshie neo-imperialism publicity stunt and have the audacity to rake over a most unsavoury past by mentioning the 1919 Jallianwala Bagh massacre at Amritsar in which millions were shot down on the orders of their British overlords - or the couple of hundred years of oppression and human rights abuses their hapless ancestors suffered under the jackboot of the Union Jack and Raj the last time a British trade delegation came calling - with Sir Robert Clive at the head of the insurrection / dissident-crushing East India Company Army.

With business the main focus, Scameron is leading what the Tory spin merchants claim is the largest trade delegation to be chaperoned on an overseas trip by a UK prime minister since he fronted for last year’s arms dealer’s excursion to Dubai and facilitated the sale of lots of shiny British weapons to the Gulf region’s nasty Arab regimes to smuggle into Syria and arm the foreign mercenaries attempting to overthrow the incumbent Assad regime.

However this current band of profiteers is composed of a pick and mix selection from the Tory Party’s Fortune 500 lobbyists and donors – who cough up big bucks (aka ‘invest’) to get preferential treatment (such as a Prime Minister to put the official seal of approval on things by leading a trade delegation) - with the ubiquitous merchants of death led by BAE Systems – whose rep’s made a great impression by giving away sample grenades and pepper spray to immigration and customs officials as they passed through Chatrapati Shivaji airport – followed by GNK sales staff handing out Drone Wars t-shirts to any other fucker and their dog who might be useful in re-securing their $748 million quid AgustaWestland helicopter deal, cancelled by the New Delhi government who trashed the contract due a burgeoning bribery scandal in which mega-bucks kickbacks ended up in the wrong pockets.

Speaking before an assembled multitude of fawning brown faces in the car park of Unilever’s Mumbai headquarters, Posh Dave urged his audience to cease with their shouts of “We love you Nick Clegg!” as he was actually the Big Boss Tory and young Nick merely the Lib-Dum’s errand boy.

Asked during the Q & A session which Indian dishes he was hoping to sample, Dave replied that if he had enough Imodium tablets in his kit then it would be a Kerala fish curry - "to see if it compares to the slop Sarah gets from the local take-away joint in Whitney".

Scameron used the speech platform opportunity to address the news media and get the message across for the Indian government to cut regulation and red tape in a bid to encourage trade and investment involving the City’s Edomite Mafia crime syndicate’s financial interests, such as licencing a branch of the Shylock Bank of International Usury and opening a Delhi-based subsidiary of the Wilkins Micawber Institute for Economic Guessology to promote the Western fiscal hyper-inflation and Debtocracy systems.

"India's rise is going to be one of the great phenomena of this century and it’s incredibly impressive to see who pollutes their country to the point of an irreversible environmental calamity first - you or China - with the entire population suffering from terminal bronchitis first.”
"That’s why we in Britain want to be your partner of choice and sell India lots of carbon trade credits so you don’t have to worry over Al Gore harping on about drowning polar bears and melting glaciers and icecaps - and continue to burn as many fossil fuels as you like - and have a carbon footprint the size of Godzilla’s.”

Fronting yet another vendre un canard à moitié (to half-sell a duck) scheme, Dave promised investment of up to a million nicker to help fund a feasibility study - using British expertise, obviously - to develop an ambitious (fantasist) business corridor along the 1,000 mile stretch between Mumbai in the north and Bangalore in the south.
Yep, you heard it right first time – a string of Milton Keynes new town look-alikes – all with the colourless character of a caravan site.

Hmmm, nice one Dave - all they have to sort out is such blatant Third World basket case anomalies as brown outs, potable water, sewage disposal, efficient highways, honest policing – and exorcise the endemic culture of bureaucratic graft and corruption which infests the entire sub-continent to such an extent the fucking place can no longer operate without their ‘kleptocracy’ baksheesh system.

One of Dave’s targets during the trip is to address controversy over the recent toughening of UK visa rules by the not-fit-for-purpose Border Agency who now view returning British vacationers as potential illegal immigrants.

In an interview with the Sacred Bullshit Gazette Posh Dave stressed how there was a warm welcome – even in a frosty February - for those who wanted to make a positive contribution to the UK monetary system and receive a big ‘thank you’ from the Rothshite crime family – and there being no limit on the number of Indian students that could come to British universities, so long as they had an English language qualification then would be virtually guaranteed a university place in Brummystan.

Still hovering in Cloud Cuckoo Land, Dave further intimated the UK's visa process could be relaxed for Indian businessmen if they arrived at Heathrow toting suitcases bulging with any of the major trading currency banknotes – or gold. "Whether its business entrepreneurs or students, we want to make sure we’re attracting the best and the brightest - and there’s always room for a few more curry houses and a Poundshop or two up and down the High Street.”

So once again the ‘for profit’ Fortune 500 corporations determine and drive Broken Britain’s foreign policy to suit their own ends – and not the good of the voting public. From the despicable makers of weapons of war to the Unilever costermongers selling their repulsive Marmite concoction - that spread on a platoon of toast soldiers is as likely to appeal to the palate of your common or garden dhobi wallah as an Aussie abo’s wood grubs are to a French gourmand intent on dining with Lucullus.

Among the businessmen joining Scameron on the trip was Ron Skidmark, chief executive of the English Premier League, , who told the BBC that football was the fastest growing off-pitch gambling sport in India, with hefty bribes and payoffs to players, linesmen and referees – as evidenced by the recent Cup Final match between Delhi Dynamos and the Madras Marauders at the latter’s Tamil Nadu home ground.
Last Saturday the Marauders lost 23 – 0 to the visiting team – in a calamitous match which included several red cards issued, five players sent off, fourteen instances of ‘hand ball’ penalties being awarded – and scored – and a riot breaking out in the stands when it was discovered the Marauders centre half had a wooden leg and the goalkeeper wore a glass eye.

Scameron’s true constituency might well be the Fortune 500 company index back in Blighty but here on the sub-continent are a myriad of obstacles to reconcile himself with – a nepotism-riddled bureaucracy lorded over by dynastic Brahmins – with each possessed of a narcissistic personality disorder and deranged sense of omnipotent self-righteousness.
Then we have the Curse of the Four C’s: Cronyism, Collusion, Corruption, and Complacency (compromised politicians and a compliant, corporate controlled media) – along with the dodgy DOSRII factor: Directors, Officers, Seniors and Related Invested Interests.

Last but by no means least there’s the ingrained ‘caste’ apartheid culture system with the bloated Brahmins on the top rung and the dirty Dacoits down below – to be perennially shit on as is their lot in life. Now that’s definitely got to be a problem for the UK / EU equal rights and opportunities legislation to do business with India.

On a lighter note, Posh Dave took advantage of a photo op’ and played a game of cricket - facing a barrage of ferocious deliveries from the local youngsters - before his middle stump fell to a fast ball from one young bowler named Achmed whose 9 year old cousin was recently murdered in a ISAF hunter-killer MQ-9 Reaper drone attack while attending the funeral of their Paki Granny in the Peshawar hinterlands.

After being bowled out for a duck he commented to press hacks “It was good fun but I knew I was in trouble when that little twat Achmed started hurling the balls at me like a sodding baseball pitcher.”

Thought for the day. 23-year old Wormhole Jaffacake, an unemployed tortoise polisher from the slums of Mumbai, yesterday surprised friends and neighbours with his self-confident air of enterprise by giving up the security of a stable 16-hour-a-day job mooching for tat on a coastal landfill site, with a potable water standpipe within an hour’s walking distance from his makeshift home (two sheets of corrugated iron) – and has been first in line at the British Embassy to take advantage of Scameron’s offer of a next-day visa to travel to Britain and attend University.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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