Bedroom Tax Spells Con-Dem’s Doom

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

One of the Tory Party’s low-life behind-the-scenes apparatchiks, Lord David Freud of Scumbaggery, stands accused of being an ‘out of touch with reality’ hypocrite (much the same as the UK’s royal family, the entire the House of Conmans assembly and Whitehall’s civil service jobsworths) after provoking a storm of criticism for conjuring up a stealth tax scheme to slap on any of our once-sceptred isle’s poorest dysfunctional family units who have a spare bedroom.

During the week Lord Scum, seconded to Austerity Dave Scameron’s cabinet to ‘reform’ Broken Britain’s welfare benefits system, lives with his wife Chlamydia in a £1.9 million quid four-bedroom townhouse in Highgate – with three spare bedrooms up for grabs – and at weekend takes off to his Scumbag Court eight-bedroom country mansion – a historic country pile in Kent with more spare / empty bedrooms than one can shake an au pair girl at – with nary a prang of moral conscience regarding the 95,000 members of the common herd he’s about to plunge into poverty this April when this desperate and despicable empty bedroom levy comes into force.

Freud’s stealth duty – officially labelled an ‘under occupancy tax’ – means families in social housing who have a spare bedroom will find their actual housing benefit claims slashed by up to £80 nicker per calendar month.
To wit, any fucker and their dog unfortunate enough, due a cruel life’s adverse circumstances, to find themselves stuck in housing association homes or a council house with a spare bedroom, will lose 14% of their housing benefit - or 25% if they have two spare rooms – despite a total lack of one bedroom council homes available for lease - and thousands in jeopardy of being turfed out on the streets if they can no longer afford their rents.

The gospel according to government figures estimates the bedroom tax will see 666,000 (the number of the Anti-Christ - with a few zeroes) working-age social tenants losing an average £14 quid a week. Housing association tenants face losing £16 a week – with the Kunt-Watch socio-political abuse monitor charity estimating that 95,000 people will be unable to afford the hit to their welfare packages and resort to self-harm and suicide – which will obviously suit the government just fine – less mouths to feed.

All hapless claimants dependent on welfare benefits to live and offset homelessness, hypothermia and starvation - with a spare bedroom - will be affected, including separated parents who split the child care, hence have an extra bedroom to facilitate this purpose – plus the egregious ‘everyone gets it in the neck’ tax will include foster families and those with disabled children.

Hmmm, So much for Scameron’s Big Society and ‘We’re all in this together’ call for sacrifice when the one’s copping the cost of enforced austerity are not the governing fat cats but the hapless 99% ‘have-nots’.
I seem to recall it was sociopathic dildos of David Freud’s unqualified arrogance that kick started the tumbrels rolling in Paris in 1789. Let them eat cake – and sleep on sofa beds - indeed.

Talk about the disagreeable face of the Nasty Party, Lord Scum’s head is so far up his own arse it’s a wonder he can breathe. Oh, and let’s not forget that Freud is the prick whom Scameron has tasked to format the all-new controversial Universal Credit welfare payment system - due to hit the star-crossed common herd in time for winter.

Interviewed on Channel 69’s ever-popular primetime Ripoffs Hour programme, Freud defended his scheme, stating for the public record that “These spare bedrooms could easily be let out to some Polish lodger to run his plumbing and decorating business from – and in turn generate income – hence welfare payments could be reduced even more. Plus there’ll be a tremendous demand after Christmas 2013 when a Biblical legion of Bulgarians and Romanian economic migrants turn up looking for work and somewhere to doss down while they take their EUSSR welfare benefit entitlement books down to the Jobcentre and sign on.”

Lord Freud, normally a Kuromaku status Tory manipulator, formerly worked as a gutter press hack for the Daily Shitraker and has the questionable distinction of being the great-grandson of the phallic-obsessed Sigmund Freud who did so much to promote insanity.

A bit of an all-round knobhead, Freud was responsible for the financing snafu with the Channel Tunnel rail link which opened a year behind schedule and £2 billion quid over budget – a fubar he was forced to admit was a total shambles and that he’d successfully sold the market a bag of shite.
Obviously obsessed with playing with trains, the chutzpah-loaded Freud went on make an equally mispriced fuck-up of Rattle Track – and typical of our government’s reward for failures, was appointed as an advisor on its successor, Notwork Rail.

And now Lord Scum is up for levelling yet more of his flawed ‘vendre un canard à moitié’ (to half-sell a duck) schemes on the long-suffering British ‘untermenschen’ public - Universal Credit – and this diabolical under-occupancy tax.

Freud is yet another Tory frog who dreams of being a toad, on an ego trip the size of the national debt - and with a one-size-fits-all approach to ‘every fucking thing’. The type of person who thinks wood grows on trees – blind to his own narcissistic personality disorder and deranged self-righteousness – is a perfect and prime example of Mother Nature’s failed experiment with intelligence-equipped bipeds – hence little wonder he’s been labelled a bona-fide dog wanker - a mutant sub-set genus in the fuckwit / tosspot classification index of Linnaean taxonomy.

Oh Mr Scameron, doth thee truly knoweth what thou doest? Hast thou forgotten your menopausal maniac predecessor’s Poll Tax and the socio-political conflict and resulting Mexican standoff that initiated?
While there is no such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist ‘conventional political stupidity’ – and Austerity Dave displays a remarkable gift for demonstrating this moronic facility.

Thought for the day. So the Tories say bollocks to imposing Nick Clegg’s spifing scheme for a mansion tax on their Hooray Henry elitist Masonic pals - but hit social housing residents with a shitty stealth instead. What the fuck next, we ponder – a tax on vacant garden sheds and under-occupied chicken houses - with less than six clucks to a perch?

Meanwhile Lord Scum is living high on the hog in a veritable country pile with a bevy of empty bedrooms. Are any of the fuckers vacant and handy for putting up a couple of Gyppo or Pikey lodgers and their brood of sprogs? Surely a place like that must have a few stables or potting sheds or the odd gazebo or belvedere or Wendy house unoccupied to take in a gaggle of social needy charity cases?

Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 750,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Lord Freud or his condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a gathering of unemployed social housing residents facing massive cuts in their respective welfare benefits that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

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