Thursday, 14 February 2013

DWP Revive Slavery for Jobless

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Con-Dem Coalition’s innovative Back-to-Work project suffered a righteous ‘take that!’ setback on Tuesday after Appeal Court judges wholeheartedly concurred with a University of Smegmadale ‘Chartered Skip Scavvy’ graduate's claim that the government’s unpaid ‘work experience’ placement scams were a total rip-off and hence legally flawed.

Chlamydia Mingerot fielded a legal argument concerning the paradox of her Polish Joblesscentre counsellor requiring that she work for sod all at a Pound Grabber store which involved stacking shelves and licking floors clean - or lose her unemployment allowance benefit – which breached the established laws on forced labour and was in total conflict with the Wilberforce doctrine relating to the Abolition of Slavery Act 1833.

Ms Mingerot informed one press hack from the Sweat Shop Gazette “Well if Britain isn’t broken enough already, now we’ve got this effin’ government an’ their dodgy quangos like the Joblesscentre trolls workin’ wiv a bevy of money-grubbin’ commercial interests ter exploit a person’s adverse life circumstances ter cut a profit – an’ that’s morally repugnant an’ criminal in intent.”

“I had ter pack me voluntary job at a local Rub n Tug massage parlour an’ work fer sweet fuck all at the Pound Grabber store in Slutts Heath under this ill-conceived an’ fatally-flawed scheme wot’s known as the "sector-based work academy" – yet another brainchild product first from the Ministry fer Wasting Time & Money in conjunction wiv Whitehall’s Department for What Can We Mess With Next.”

“Really, who the fuck has this joke of a Libservative coalition got thinking this shit up – an office full of baboons? Them six weeks woz a complete waste of me effin’ time as the experience did fuck all ter help me get a job – an’ all I copped woz a bad back an’ a hernia from liftin’ heavy boxes fer £60-odd quid a week jobseekers allowance ter live on – gimme a break and get real. Okay if the DWP reckon we can survive on that, how about the 649 wastrel MPs wot pull “£65,000 per annum – plus expenses – time fer a paycut or wot?”

Leaving the London courts, Chlamydia was cheered by crowds of unemployed welfare benefits scroungers waving ‘Clarkson n Wilberforce Rule’ pendants and singing the all-time great anti-slavery hymn ‘Amazing Grace’ – who all joined hands and marched in force to Caxton House on Tithill Street where they demonstrated outside the Department of Works & Pensions office of Tory Minister Ian Duncan Smith – shouting disparaging slogans such as ‘Baldy’s a Cunt!’

Conversely, in light of the damning legal decision the DWP’s band of merry moron jobsworths will have to go back to the drawing board and come up with amendments which comply with the court's ruling - and present a swathe of more precise regulations before the House of Conmans for legislation to ensure their flagship Community Action Programme and Work-4-Fuckall scheme cannot be hampered by future challenges of legality.

So that’s what the UK has been reduced to - the DWP’s Stalinesque ‘Coercion Policy’ – work for nothing in a jobless wilderness – and regardless of skill sets, if there’s no vacancies in your field then take anything that’s going – part-time or otherwise - at the minimum wage rate of £6.19 quid an hour.

Thought for the day. Is the system fair? Of course not – it was never designed to be so – especially when it’s stricken with dog wankers such as the British Chambers of Commerce Director General John Longworth – an ex-Asda / Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket mandarin who brazenly informed press hacks that he was personally disappointed with the increase to the minimum wage - that the government has chosen to raise the adult National Minimum Wage rate by 1.8%, far above his recommended 0.01%.

This from a bureaucrat whose primary loyalties lie with the Fortune 500 company index and scrapes in a salary of circa £145,000 quid per annum (plus generous expenses) – slightly above the national minimum wage he protests is far too high for useless eaters such as comprise the ranks of the common herd.

Is that the sound of the tumbrel wheels across the cobbled streets I hear in the distance? Onward to the Revolution, comrades – let the light of Anarchy illuminate our way.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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