Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Jobseeker Alert: Vatican Top Slot Vacant

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a surprise announcement during breakfast on Monday morning, Pope Benny, the German built-to-last Mk XVI model, left Vatican insiders and personal staff gob-smacked when he refused his regular second helping of Manx kippers, stood up and said “Fuck it – I’m off – Arrivederci!”

Apparently this outburst was indicative of his intention to resign from the papal office at the end of February and get away from the daily intrigues and perpetual scandals of venality that have infested the Holy See from the time of the Piso and Flavian families scribing (forging) the Gospels and securing the investiture of Pope Linus 1st - through the days of the Borgia papacies – and into modern times with the Vatican’s ‘bollocks-deep’ involvement with the Banco Ambrosiano / P2 Masonic Brotherhood criminal conspiracy.

According to surprised Vatican watchers, disregarding the scores of outright murders and assassinations of reigning Popes over the centuries (with the canny crime syndicate-busting JP1 copping for the dandelion and hemlock tea back in 1978) - this is the first actual papal resignation in 600 years – when Gregory XII stepped down in an attempt to resolve the Great Western Schism – with two other Walter Mitty types claiming they were the actual pontiff.

Pope Benny’s gobshite-snitching crook of a butler, Paolo Scumbaggio, spoke to a gutter press hack from the Daily Shitraker and let slip – for thirty pieces of silver – that the Pontiff had been advised by doctors to cut down on his drinking and addiction to Zwetchgenkuchen – and especially the visits to the neighbouring Carmelite Convent’s ‘Happy Ending’ tantric therapy salon as the daily prostate / rub n tug massages were proving detrimental to his health.

The Holy See are denying rumours that Pope Benny’s surprise knee-jerk resignation has any connection to Israeli Holohoax investigators from the Slimy Simon Wiesenthal Centre in Jerusalem probing the past Nazi war crimes involvement of a certain Hitler Youth member named Joey Ratflinger who threw bricks through Rabbi Scumberg’s windows in Marktl, Bavaria, on Kristallnacht, November 1938 – then posted a pile of dog turds through his letterbox wrapped in a ‘Mama Fagin’s Miracle Matzo’ bag.

Regardless of Pope Benny’s predecessor – JP2 - awarding the child molesting Jimbo Savile a Papal Knight Commander of St Gregory for ‘charity work’, the Vatican is adamant that his early retirement call has nothing to do with the UK Met Plod Squad’s Operation Fernbridge investigation into paedo kiddie fiddling and rent boys at the Elm Guest House homo brothel in Barnes.

Speculation is running rife on who’ll be next in line to fill the shoes of the Fisherman and become God’s Vicar on Earth – with Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, giving odds-on that Cardinal Guido Corruptioni is the touted favourite be the next elected pontiff – ensuring the Papacy returns to the Italian circle of control and Mafia influence – a factor apparently supported by the unelected Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti Python – who was quoted as saying ‘good riddance to the Tedesco interloper’.

Thought for the day. As Cardinal Joey Ratflinger, His Holiness spent 24 years in charge of Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith – which until being rebranded to suit 20th Century tastes in 1904, was known as the feared Inquisition and staffed by a cabal of sadistic homicidal maniacs in black cassocks - tasked with burning witches and heretics at the stake - following mandatory sessions on the rack, hot irons, bastinado, strappado and the ducking stool – a fore-runner of water boarding.

Regardless, as atheism rules, fuck the Freemasons and the poxy Jesuits (the Vatican’s Men in Black) and the Edomite Mafia - and their New World Order.

Jobcentre Plus / Direct-Gov / Universal Jobmatch websites.
Ref: VAT-69.

Vacancy: Anyone fancy the perennial summers and sunshine of Italy’s Rome? Well this part-time job might be ideal for an unmarried male aged between 65 and 80. Duties - Sunday only. Unmarried status and fluency in Latin are prerequisites for this Petrine ministry post. Suit pensioner with a Bible-savvy religious leaning – Catholic preferred.

Full room & board. Salary based on performance bonus / offertory plate income – tax free. Personal communication line with God Almighty. Company transport – chauffeur-driven Popemobile. Uniform provided: stab / bullet proof cassock, red slippers and funny hat.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just sent off my CV to the Vatican