Tuesday, 1 May 2012

‘Heart Shrinking’ the New NHS Craze

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The latest and greatest news pulsing along the UK’s NHS Trust grapevine this weekend is of a series of trials using high voltage bolts of electricity to shrink the hearts of patients with dodgy tickers that is due to be ‘kick started’ this coming week at Scouseland’s prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence.

The technology is based on that used in Tasers and cattle prods, which involves electrically ‘belting’ the patient with ‘shock & awe’ current spikes of 50,000 volts DC that will ‘stimulate’ the nerves leading to the heart.

It is hoped the resulting convulsions will not only produce a tooth-grating / sphincter-clenching / scrotum-shrivelling effect but also make the test subject’s heart ‘shrink’ significantly too and thus improve life expectancy – if it doesn’t kill said patient outright.
Apparently this often results when cattle prods are used in the ‘extraordinary rendition’ / ‘torture-by-proxy’ sessions of hapless Muslim terrorist suspects – and moronic Plod Squad officers repeatedly Tasering Bolshie pensioners apprehended for shoplifting offences – or kindergarten sprogs who go into hyper mode and throw a wobbler / one-man riot – colloquially referred to as a ‘tantrum’.

While this will be a pilot study and the first trial of the technique with human guinea pigs – (outside of the US’s Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre’s and Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison’s ‘interrogation facilities’) – it was discovered by medical technicians at the Royal Veterinarian’s Hospital to work ‘quite well’ on rats and dogs with cardiac problems.

Thought for the day. Does anyone ever find it disturbing that when a series of ‘human’ medical treatment drug tests or surgical procedures are announced by the National Ill-Health Service to treat whatever disease or affliction, the provenance for their efficacy is forever founded on the questionable fact that “the results achieved with rats and dogs were quite promising”?

Hmmm, highly encouraging that a gaggle of Big Pharma-funded vets were enthusiastically optimistic that what had worked on Roland Rat and Fido was going to do likewise on some hapless oldie with cardiac problems.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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