Blind Chinese Dissident ‘Sees the Light’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chen Guangcheng, the vision-impaired Chinese human rights and wrongs activist who fled house arrest in Wanking Province last week and holed up in the US Embassy in Beijing with the aim of applying for political asylum, today informed a press hack from the Totalitarians Gazette that he fears for the lives of himself and family and wants to get out of his fascist state homeland since being tricked by duplicitous US diplomatic staff into leaving the embassy.

Chen claims US Marine security guards fooled him into going for a walk around the embassy courtyard, tapping the walls with his white stick, then suddenly finding himself in the middle of a car-honking traffic jam at the intersection of Tien Ze (Dissident Massacre Street) and Liangmaqiao (Beat a Protester to Death Street) - surrounded by belligerent plod squad thugs.

Since being deceived into leaving the embassy and ending up in the Genghis Khan Medical Centre for Clinical Experimentation, Chinese secret police have threatened to jail his family members and steal their internal organs for the Politburo’s burgeoning black market transplant trade – then nailed the children’s pet guinea pig to the front door by its ears, just for spite.

Chen - who assumed the nom de guerre of Flip Flop Fong, aka the Barefoot Lawyer, back in 1997 after Beijing’s ultra-nasty security agents confiscated his shoes so he couldn’t run away and defect from the People’s Marxist Utopia of China – wants to seek asylum for himself, wife Sue Doku and extended family of thirty – preferably somewhere with a true democracy and free speech.

This obviously excludes the Western Hemisphere and dictatorial Africa, and hence limits his choice of destination to one of the remote Pacific Islands - or Antarctica (or the Moon) since the rest of the world has adopted a culture of ultra-paranoid panopticon Big Brother surveillance that now equals that of the fascist Middle Kingdom itself.

Apparently Chen’s presence at the US Embassy was regarded by Washington as a most embarrassing ‘stumbling block’ predicament for the rug-munching US Secretary of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton who is in Beijing for a two-day session of talks on US-China trade – with the sale of cheap ‘Pocket Rocket’ personal vibrators and the iconic Western breakfast cereal Weetabix to the Shanghai-based foods industry tycoon Sum Dum Fuk (destined to be re-branded as ‘Riceabix’) high on the agenda.

However, press rumours besides, US Ambassador Sheldon Scumberger, a former AIPAC lobbyist, claims Chen was never pressured to leave. "I can tell you unequivocally that he was welcome to stay as long as he liked - and it’s not our fault that someone left the embassy compound gate open and the stupid prick wandered out into the street by mistake.”

Chen has been held under house arrest since he was 11 years old, after being caught scrawling anti-establishment anarchist graffiti on the Chairman Meow memorial – in Braille - which posed awkward questions concerning government motives and was hence diagnosed as suffering from Oppositional Defiance Disorder Syndrome and hence simply too Bolshie to qualify for membership of the Chinese Communist party

Clinton, on one of her customary global ‘stateswomenship jaunts’ - spewing a doctrine of insidious hypocrisy by pontificating to other nations on the pathetic failings of their democratic records and human rights and wrongs records - previously expressed her support for Chen’s situation, and while she didn’t mention him by name during the talks, did make a brief reference to the topic of human rights in China – or rather the total lack of them.

"We in the Great Satan believe that no other state can legitimately deny the universal rights which belong to every human being - or punish those who exercise them - as we in the US and Israel do. But China needs to lose the habit of running over dissidents in Tiananmen Square with battle tanks and put on a more democratic façade for the international media – especially concerning their treatment of blind gits like Mr Chen.”

“Perhaps China and the US cannot solve all the world's problems,” Clinton rattled on, "but we’re going to have a damn good try with Syria – same as we did with Iraq and Libya – and then we’ll sort Iran our too.”

A press release to the media from Beijing’s Foreign Office spokesman, Fuk Yew Tu, states Chen is eligible to file a request to study abroad - potentially indicating a way out of the diplomatic impasse with the US over the blind dissident – by applying for an exit visa through normal channels and in accordance with the law – a process that critics claim gets filed in the trash can as standard operating procedure.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.