Sunday, 13 May 2012

Ladyboy Rapper Takes Angola by Storm

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The six-foot odd Angolan rapper Titica, a former coal heaver, has it all going for her. She is bold, she is bright and she is beautiful (in a perverse cross-dressing type of way) – hung like a donkey and taking the country by storm.
And that translates as a major personal achievement for any transsexual in a staunch Roman Catholic African country where homosexuality is illegal and punishable by a life sentence of hard labour - clearing the Third World shithole’s ubiquitous minefields laid down during decades of civil war by using the ‘Hopscotch’ detector method.

Born in Luanda as Ronnie Garcia, singer and dancer Titica adopted her female persona four years ago following a local PIP breast enhancement procedure with tyre vulcanising gel at a Kwik-Fit garage. Now, at 25, Titica is the new face of Angola's unique urban fudger rap-techno fusion music style known as ‘kuduro’.

With a castrato’s vocal training as a schoolboy member of the choir of Luanda’s St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Pederasts, Titica first got involved in kuduro as a backing singer, supporting popular acts such as Gladys Gorgon and the Grottmeisters - and the acclaimed South African Puta Portuguese punk girl band led by Toxic Tessie Trollenberg and Feryl Beryl McSkanger.

By day her songs boom from the ubiquitous Dyson clockwork ghetto blasters - and by night they echo around the dance floors of Luanda’s gay brothels.
Named best kuduro artist of 2011, Titica is a regular on television and radio, and performed at the annual Divas concert, attended by the Angolan President Jose Eduardo dos Corruptioni – where she was presented with the Golden Fudgers Award.

This month Titica will embark on her first international tour with concert dates so far fixed for Haiti, Iceland, the Falklands and South Georgia.
Speaking to one press hack from the Weird Kunts Gazette during a make-up session before filming the video for her current hit ‘Dontcha Just Love Bum Sex’ - which also features popular Angolan kizomba artist Mingeeter Godermiche – Titica revealed she was overcome with her success.

"Praises to God, I am very happy, it has taken a while to get here and involved a lot of personal sacrifice but thanks to these big cock-gobbling lips of mine, everything is going well for me.”

Surprisingly shy for such a flamboyant and raunchy performer, Titica declined to comment on her sexuality when asked, but said her new-found stardom had not all been plain-sailing with Angola being ridden with tribal superstitions and a public culture of homophobia – albeit the opposite is true behind closed doors.

Despite that taboo, Titica appears to have no shortage of fans and most seem more interested in her sexuality and what’s under her dress than in her actual singing and erotic dancing – when her nine inch trouser snake starts swinging free.

As well as Titica's full integration into the local music scene, which has seen her share the stage with internationally acclaimed Angolan artists such as blues legend Bunghole Chuckabutty, rapper Winnebago Jaffacake and mezzo-soprano Sapphie Dildodo, she has been invited to perform for the Angolan consulate in Patagonia as part of the forthcoming ‘One Month of Peace’ celebrations.

Rumours that Titica has been invited to perform live at Sheffield’s Shiteside Working Men’s Club by New Labour MP David Blindgit - who apparently grew enamoured with the transsexual rapper after watching a Braille edition of her act on YouTube and left repeated posts on the singer’s Facebook page asking her to have his babies – so far remain unsubstantiated.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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