Friday, 18 May 2012

Libservatives to Decimate UK Plod Squads

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Rank-and-file Plod Squad officers across the expanse of Broken Britain were yesterday unanimous in their condemnation of Home Secretary Theresa ‘Blonde Moment’ May (the incumbent Conservative MP for Muddledhead in Berkshire) and her ‘austerity measures’ plan to decimate a police service that has been protecting our once-sceptred isle’s aristocracy and moneyed elite from the Bolshie 99% ‘have not’s’ grungy peasant class since it’s founding by her more competent Tory predecessor, Sir Robert Peel, in 1829.

Speaking to one press hack from the Cost Cutters Gazette outside the Police Federation conference in Bournemouth following May’s morale-devastating ‘hack and burn’ speech to the assembly, Smegmadale-on-Sea’s Chief Constable Ron McScrunt opined that “This is the worst idea the bitch has come up with since the last bad idea – slashing 20% off the annual budget and retrenching 16,000 of our plods to that human resources landfill site inaccurately named the ‘Jobcentre Plus’ – when it’s ‘Plus Nothing’ as there are no jobs, and worse still, no jobseekers allowance that a bloke can live off either.”

“This is a bad deal for the UK’s iconic Plod Squad - a civilian police force that’s admired and replicated by Third World dictators and their barbaric, fascist regimes right across the globe – with my old mate and Met’ boss Johnny Yates folding his tent and going to work for Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer in Bahrain after getting an offer he couldn’t refuse - to teach the towel-heads how to do a Chinese Burn and a Deadleg - and put the boot in and not leave a stack of bruises – and getting paid a lot more money than he could pick up in salary at Scotland Yard – or bribes from Rupert Mudrock’s News International.”

“Now these madcap budget cuts and restructuring schemes dreamed up by Theresa May and a bunch of penny-pinching bureaucrats at the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next is going to usher in a radically flawed model of core policing where we’ll be impotent to act effectively and the scrotes and scallies and yobsters – and any other fucker and their dog with an attitude problem over their disaffected, marginalised lot in life - are going to thrive now there’s no more Middle Class buffer zone to absorb their vented anger and frustrations."
"Hence they’ll be going straight for the throats of the 1% - probably starting with Westminster and Whitehall – then the stockbroker belt and target whoever’s driving a fancy 4 x 4 with their ubiquitous personalised registration plates or one of those poxy Boxsters.”

“Mark my words, the 16,000 of our lads targeted for forced redundancy might be swelling the ranks of the revolutionary anarchists too. The public was presented with a viewing of our sentiments on Home Secretary May’s plans last week when 35,000 off-duty plods joined in the nationwide strike staged by public sector workers against the government’s changes to pays and pensions.”

“But what irks us most of all is the fact that these tossers in government are going to turn our jobs over to money-grubbing private ‘for profit’ organisations such as G4S and a host of other Renta-Thug security agencies who seem to have no compunction about putting a bunch of power mad officious morons - with double figures IQ’s at best - in uniforms and a hi-viz ‘Dildo on Legs’ stab-proof gilet - and pinning an ego-boosting laminate ID badge on their chest.”

“Austerity measures my arse – private outfits like Renta-Twat cost x-times the amount of running our existing Plod Squads. Just watch it all go to shit when regular ‘Crown Officer’ plods are replaced and a gang of Community Enforcement Stasi amateurs take over neighbourhood policing - as that’s going to mean even less 999 responders, zero neighbourhood plod patrols, and fewer traffic police driving round in Range Rovers wasting fuel."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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