Parliament: Oick Calls Prat ‘a Twat’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

PM ‘Austerity Dave’ Scameron copped for a bollocking off the House of Conmans spendthrift Speaker, John ‘Portraits & Escutcheons' Bercow, for issuing a stream of un-Parliamentary language after calling the New Labour shadow chancellor Ed Ballsup a "muttering fuckwit" and was ordered to withdraw the remark expressed during a particularly stormy prime minister's Q & A session when he lost his proverbial rag and spit the dummy over Ballsup’s incessant petty heckling.

Totally ignoring the niceties of polite society and accepted norms of political correctness, the pair of childish public school prats threw the ‘sticks and stones’ maxim to the four winds and started cat-calling one another silly names and referring to each other as ‘utter morons’ – a vocal exchange which unfortunately proved both were perfectly correct in their individual assessments.

Nor is this the first occasion that Posh Dave’s lost his cool with Ballsup, the incumbent New Labour MP for Moorlocks & Firewood, who sits facing him on the Opposition benches, and last year publicly labelled him “the most annoying twat in politics” – and “a cunt in cunt’s clothing”.

Replying to a question on enterprise zones, Scameron hailed the government's flawed Big Society volunteer strategy as a means of kick starting Broken Britain’s moribund economy and ending the recession - stating for the public record he wished to discover innovative methods of using the Tory’s illusionary credibility – “Which we wouldn't have if we listened to the muttering fuckwit sat opposite me.”

The remark sparked uproar on both sides of the Conmans, with shouts of “Oick!”, “Fuck you, Cabbage Patch!” and "Flashman!" from the Opposition benches – the latter remark a reference to the fictional upper class bully used by New Labour MPs to assault Scameron’s inherent arrogance.

Once Speaker Bercow had restored order, he ordered the prime minister to withdraw the word ‘fuckwit’ – to which the smarmy Scameron replied "As Mr Ballsup hasn’t the brains to qualify for the term halfwit or fuckwit, I will replace it with 'the tosser who, along with his porridge wog mates Gordon and Alistair left us this enormous deficit and a financial crisis'."

Meanwhile, on the Twatter social network, political pundits claimed Ballsup had upset Cabbage Patch Dave by telling him to "chill-ax and have another glass of his favourite Chateaux de Rothshite ‘Sangria de Cochon’ 1958" - a reference to a recent less than complimentary unauthorised gutter press biography in which Scameron's methods of unwinding from the stresses of his job revealed he liked to quaff a jeroboam or two of wine and pay a visit to Max Mosley’s dominatrix for a ‘chill-ax’ botty spanking and strap-on rogering session.

Thought for the day. Really, out of an adult population of actual millions – excluding the Third World political refugees and swan-roasting economic immigrants who can only understand a ballot slip if it’s written in Cyrillic and are here with a mission to steal any and all British minimum wage jobs going, plus scrounge what they can on welfare benefits - is this the best we can do for political leaders – cat-calling pondscum of the likes of Scameron and Balls?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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