NHS Gluten-Free Pizza Ripoffs Scandal

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Questions are tabled to be raised in the House of Conmans by the New Labour opposition’s chief shit-stirrers when Parliament resumes sessions on Monday, 11th June, concerning the issue of the National Ill-Health Service getting conned out of £34 quid a time for pizzas when any of the legions of Broken Britain’s ubiquitous High Street junk food Chew n Spew outlets tout offers of “Buy One – Get Two Free” just to sell the synthetic bung-laden GMO shite.

Whistle-blowing moles working at Smegmadale-on-Sea’s ‘Harold Shipman Centre for Excellence in Clinical Health Care’ NHS Trust have leaked documents to Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers watchdog charity, that reveal a culture of systematic overcharging by Ripoff Logistics SA, the suppliers of prescription gluten-free pizza bases – for £34 quid a go – which cost the NHS a total of £27 million nicker last year alone and have raised a legion of negative comments that it’s little wonder these people are sick and in hospital if they’re on a strict 5-a-day diet of pizzas.

When contacted by the Spendthrifts Gazette for comment, the Tory Secretary of State for Health, Andrew ‘Flipper’ Lansley, was reportedly absent on medical leave in Cracow, undergoing a ‘Grecian 2000’ surgical procedure and the inquiry was passed to his immediate understudy - the ginger-mingin Anne ‘Piranha Teeth’ Milton, whose ministerial responsibilities include sexual health, tobacco, drugs and alcohol, vaccination and immunisation, transplants, fertility – and ‘nutrition’.

Milton denied there was any conflict of interest with Ripoff Logistics SA being awarded the entire NHS commissary contract for England and Wales in 2010 without the bid going to tender, and the fact that the company was owned by Ron ‘Pitbull’ Lowlife, cousin to the Minister’s wife Sally, was immaterial.

“Just take a look at the NHS invoices – it’s not the price of the actual pizzas at £2:50 a shot that’s the killer – it’s the handling fees and shipping charges that add up to a further £32 due them being ordered from Polsky Pete’s Pizza Factory Number 7 in Gdansk.”

“Without a daily intake of gluten-free prescription foods while in hospital, coeliac disease sufferers can go on to develop serious illnesses ranging from digestive disorders to charmaid’s knee and osteoporosis - and bowel cancer. That’s why our pizzas, plus the Biffo’s Barf Burgers and Pol Pot Insta-Noodles are all gluten-free – and might I further confide, a lot better tasting than the pigswill the NHS Trusts normally serve up.”

However, Coeliac UK, which represents sufferers, harbours major concerns that the hyper-inflated costs of low octane, unleaded and decaffeinated prescription foods being shipped in from Poland is giving the whole system a bad name – especially when gluten-free can be purchased fresh from any of the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains such as Pestco or Pukesburys – and even Mammon & Snobfords for a couple of quid.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a gluten / nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

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