Airport Body Scanners get HSE Okay

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A team of anoraks and beardie boffins from Broken Britain’s University of East Anglia’s prestigious Institute for Advanced Guesswork, who took on a commission from the Libservative Coalition’s Ministry for Propaganda last year to perform a detailed study of the controversial cancer-causing radiation emitted by backscatter full body scanners used in the UK’s airports, have finally released a report of their findings.

In accordance with the wishes of government security mandarins and those of the commercial interests involved, the report claims the amount of harmful Tetrahertz gamma radiation each passenger is bombarded by poses no danger whatever and is equivalent to that they would receive on a daily basis if living next door to a nuclear weapons test site – or at Chernobyl – or inside Japan’s Fuckupshima 25 mile ‘exclusion zone’.

Thus the 'naked' body scanners, trialled at manky Manchester’s Airport on thousands of brain-dead Northerners since 2009 – until Brussels’ EUSSR Commission halted new trials in 2011 amid concerns there was a risk to passengers' health from high levels of radiation - are now set to be switched back on – and further introduced at all UK airports after being declared safe and fit for purpose.

EUSSR states have been mulling the use of security scanners ever since Umar Farouk Abdul Muttonleg, a brainwashed 24-year-old Nigerian, attempted to blow up a plane flying from Amsterdam to Detroit on Xmas Day with a salt and vinegar bomb he had hidden in his underwear.

However critics have lambasted this incident being used to justify the introduction of the carcinogenic scanners due the blatant and damning factor that if Israel’s kikester-run ICTS agency were on duty at an airport and Mossad agents ram-rodded style Islamic terrorists through immigration and security without a passport - as they did with Muttonleg at Amsterdam’s Schiphol – and too with this week’s revelations of the latest would-be airplane bomber Mohammed al Patsy actually being a CIA agent - then the scanners would prove useless if an intentional false flag operation was in the works.

Conversely, an independent parallel study undertaken by urban myth-busters Wallace & Gromit for the Harold Shipman Medical Centre for Clinical Excellence has reported that a person undergoing a full body backscatter scan receives approximately 0.09 μSv (or 0.009 m-rems) of Tetrahertz gamma ray radiation.

Speaking to press hacks outside Ogden’s Cheese Shop in Smegmadale, Wallace explained their findings – that unlike cell phone signals, or millimeter-wave scanners, the energy being emitted by a backscatter X-ray is a type of ionizing radiation that damages chemical bonds and is considered carcinogenic even in very small doses – besides having the noxious ability to cause genetic damage by mutating human DNA.

Millimeter wave scanners emit a wavelength of ten to one mm, and these waves are considered Extremely High Frequency (EHF), the highest radio frequency wave produced.
EHF runs a range of frequencies from 30 to 300 gigahertz – also known as Tetrahertz (THz) radiation. The force generated from Tetrahertz waves has the ability to ‘unzip’ or tear apart double-stranded DNA chains - creating bubbles in the DNA that interferes with gene expression and replication.

Baz McSkanger, director of Twat-Watch, the international government abuse monitor and an anti-New World Order activist, spoke to one reporter from the Totalitarians Review, stating “Yer not gonna catch me getting’ me bollocks an’ man tits fried wiv gamma rays cos yer got the right ter choose an alternative method of screenin’ – so my recommendation is ter go fer the so-called ‘enhanced pat-down’ – where yer get groped an’ sexually molested by some fat fuck of moronic tosspot in a uniform.”

“Really, makes yer think, doesn’t it – what the fuck’s next? Yer got fluoride in gobwashes, toothpastes and drinking water; mercury dental fillings; aspartame-laden candies an’ soft drinks; MSG and colourings an’ pesticides right through the effin’ food chain, nano particle Morgellons-loaded chemtrails; GMO crops, hormones injected inter meat an’ dairy produce farm animals; toxic vaccinations fuckin’ our kids up wiv autism – ter name but a samplin’ of the Agenad 21 deliberate soft kill genocide programme.”

“Now we have this dodgy ‘everythin’s safe’ report from the University of East Anglia. Not exactly an institution ter be trusted followin’ the exposure of the graft and corruption-ridden manipulation of global warmin’ an’ climate change data scandal by their commercially-funded (read ’bribed’) bent academics at the university’s Chicken Little Institute fer Creative Meteorological Studies ter justify the global imposition of a carbon credit cap n trade exchange ter tax the hapless common herd into payin’ ter exhale an’ drop the occasional gnarly fart.”

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day: If, after passing through an airport’s full body scanners, passengers exhibit signs of nausea and notice significant hair loss, fingernails and teeth dropping out, and bleeding from the ears, eyes, nose, gums and other bodily orifices, it is advisable to take a regime of iodine tablets - and consult your nearest undertaker

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.