MoD Fighter U-Turn Costs £££ Zillions

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what is manifesting into the biggest arse-about-face major ’fiscal incontinence’ fuckup since the last major fuckup, Defence Minister Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, the incumbent Tory MP for Runnynose, yesterday announced to the House of Conmans assembly his department were burning the midnight oil and working 24/7 to discover a way of balancing the MoD books – and cover the gaping £38 zillion quid black hole in their defence budget - an amount banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’.

This latest last ditch austerity measures review is focused on revising plans for which type of fighter planes - if any - will be supplied for the Royal Navy's new aircraft carriers – the HMS Rust Bucket and HMS Colander - originally ordered on a spendthrift whim by New Labour PM Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown and his ‘Dark Side’ Business Secretary, Lord Peter Scandalson (aka Vermin in Ermine) back in 2009.

Hammond, a former bogbrush impersonator with zero previous naval defence or military aircraft ordnance procurement experience, explained that under the 2010 Strategic Defence and Security Review the Libservative Coalition had planned to switch to the Lockheed-Martin F-35C Lightning jet fighter - arguing it was a more capable aircraft that could drop lots of nasty cluster bombs and napalm on hapless Third World peasants and other useless eater types (unlike the tactically-limited F-35B STOVL jump jet originally ordered by New Labour) - and would further be inter-operable with the navies of both the Great Satan and our historical enemies – the foul and foreign French.

However, when a team of anoraks and beardie boffins from the Wallace & Gromit Institute for Advanced Guessology, kitted out with more degrees that an industrial thermometer, drew attentions to the monumental error of flogging off a total of 74 of the iconic V/STOL Harrier jump jets for knock-down car boot sale prices to the brain dead US Marine Corps in 2011 and ordering the ‘White Elephant’ F-35C fighter to replace them, their damning report was filed under waste paper and further objections stonewalled by the Defence Minister of the time, Dr Liam Pox - and his albatross of a ‘personal consultant’ buddy, Adam Qwerty.

The ditched report, aptly titled ‘Mission Impossible’, laid out the cold stark fact that due a ‘slight’ design oversight by Lockheed Martin’s in-house Wiley T. Coyote Institute of Technology boffins, the F-35C fighter can neither take off nor land on sea-borne carriers – or anywhere else that doesn’t have a couple of thousand meters of tarmac runway available.

Hence to stay with the F-35C order it would have been necessary to convert both the HMS Rust Bucket and HMS Colander carriers to an exorbitantly over-priced ‘Hook, Line and Sinker’ take-off and landing catapult / arrest system – with costs skyrocketing from £950 million quid to in excess of £2 billion apiece.

Britain’s most senior military commander, General Sir Dinsdale Sleazebag de Mattoid, informed one press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that “I’ve never in my entire career seen an omni-shambles incompetence clusterfuck like this – ordering a fighter jet from the sodding Yanks that can’t land on a carrier deck – and the term ‘clusterfuck’ is a euphemism for what this disaster represents – stuck with the option of paying a further £7 million nicker apiece for the F-35B jets or £2 billion nicker each to convert the damn carriers so the F-35C can be used. Regardless, whichever way they choose to go, it’s still going to shaft the tax-payers – unless we mothball the entire shebang.”

“The government’s already blown £50 million quid on design and assessment work and there’s going to be the customary contractual ‘Snafu’ mega-bucks penalty costs incurred if this clot Hammond scraps the F-35C deal.”

“So, adding this major fubar to the already-forecast delays to the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter programme, neither the F-35B or F-35C will be operational until 2023 - three years later than originally scheduled – by which time the technology will be well past its use-by date and totally redundant."

Thought for the day. The estimated cost of fitting the "cats and traps" system to both the HMS Rust Bucket and HMS Colander to facilitate the take off and landing of the F-35C fighters might well have been booted up from £950 million to £2 billion quid each - with a virtual guarantee that figure will be inflated yet again due the extortionate costs of ship building materials from Indian now Broken Britain’s steel mills have all been shut down and the flogged off to Mr Tata at Mumbai's Jaffacake Foundries.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.