Wednesday, 2 May 2012

NHS Mulls Barring Fatties n Smokers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Doctors across Broken Britain have put themselves slap dab in the centre of the crosshairs of a veritable Hippocratic controversy since backing draconian measures to withhold medical treatment from smokers and the obese (aka ‘fat fuckers’).

The gospel according to a new in-house survey undertaken by the NHS Trusts, 95% of the quacks who took part were adamant they should be bestowed with the divine life-over death power to deny treatment to those who fail to lose weight or kick their disgusting tobacco smoking habits.

Members of the NHS networking website were asked 'Should the NHS be allowed to refuse non-emergency treatments to patients unless they lose weight or stop smoking?' Although the poll was optional, 1,095 of the 1,096 doctors who participated replied with a positive ‘Yes!’ - and one token ‘Don’t know’.

In certain areas of the UK smokers and the obese are already being rejected IVF treatments as well as hip and knee replacements by 25% of the country’s Primary Care Trusts, but members of the chronic illness patient group ‘Sickies’ have reacted angrily to this shameful NHS strategy, declaring such a draconian policy denies them a basic human right – to be poorly.

Speaking with a press hack from the Euthanasia Gazette, Dr. Morton Scrunt, chief executive at the prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, confided that the shift in attitudes is a direct result of the need to make huge cut-backs and save money throughout the NHS’s entire bloated bureaucracy – specifically some 25 billion quid by 2015.

“The website poll of a mere 1,000-plus might appear to be only a slim majority of doctors in favour of limiting treatment to patients who abuse their bodies to the point of self-destruction but it represents a tectonic shift for a profession that, in accordance with the iconic Hippocratic Oath, has always provided health care from the cradle to the grave – until now.”

“Applying reality over rhetoric, we all doubtless agree that giving up the smoking habit is a good thing – as per losing a few pounds of blubber from around the old midriff. However, blackmailing patients by telling them that they have to give up their fags or come back when they’ve lost half a stone isn't a policy doctors should be advocating nor practicing.”

Scabby Acrobati, the director of Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, opined to the media “So if some lard-arsed porkie waddles inter their local A & E wiv a ciggie hangin’ out of his gob an’ coughin’ his guts up, and complains that he’s got acute chest pains, then under this Darwinian ‘survival of the fittest’ policy the NHS are adoptin’, the patient’s goin’ ter be refused treatment. That’s a right load of old bollocks cos these doctor blokes an’ nurses are supposed ter abide by the oath of Hippocrates – not Hypocrisy – one rule fer the skinnies an’ one fer the fatties. Fer fuck’s sake, it isn’t rocket science – if they’re healthy they don’t need doctors – it’s only when they get sick.”

“This whole fucked-up policy opens a right evil can of worms. If these measures are gonna be enforced then wot about treatment an' prescriptions an’ benefits fer the druggies an’ alkies - both of wot’s self-inflicted yet they gets welfare payments ter support the effin’ habit.. How about them wot’s got high blood pressure or diabetes through lack of exercise an’ bein’ overweight – or yer self-harmers an’ attempted suicides – are they gonna get the bum’s rush as well – cos it all comes down ter bein’ self-inflicted, don’t it?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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