Greedsters Cop Olympics Food Franchise

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In accordance with guidelines laid down by the Ministry for Scaremongering to combat bids by Islamic terrorists to smuggle one of their deadly ‘propaganda weapons’ – such as a sub-nuclear ‘Bullshit Bomb’ into an Olympic Games venue, a security ban has been enacted on tourists and spectators bringing bottled water into the stadium – however they will be able to buy it inside the arena - at hyper-inflated prices.

These Kafkaesque pantomime regulations were enforced during last weekend’s test events at the Olympic Park in Stratford by the Renta-Thug Security Agency, with the company’s hi-viz morons confiscating any and all bottles and cans – and too packed lunches - leaving legions of hapless and disgusted day-out punters with no other option but to buy snacks and mineral water at five times the High Street rate from the profiteering stall holder pirates inside the venue, unscrupulously flogging aspartame-laden soft drinks and crap genetically-modified Frankenfoods made from insta-mutant Roundup Ready Brek terminator crops and hormone-sodden meat and dairy products.

For the first time since Xerxes the First of Persia invaded Greece in 480 BC and made a total bollocks of that year’s Olympics, all picnics and Lucullian feasts in general (suckling pig / fattened calf / roast swan in aspic) are to be banned from the 2012 Games, with cash-strapped families having to fork out an exorbitant £40 quid to buy a basic ‘chew n spew’ lunch from the official food stalls – with hundreds of visitors disgruntled to find that their bottles of Pestco’s Finest ‘Chateau de Gnatpiss’ vino, tuck hampers, cool boxes - or eskies chocker full of that iconic chilled ‘Amber Liquid’ - were not permitted inside the gates.

Mingeeter Godermiche and her partner Sapphie Dildodo, both from Croydon, told a Daily Shitraker press hack that “We only came ter watch those sexy Latina chicks playing hockey an’ had our bottles of water taken off us at the gates an’ me packed lunch as well. Then one security gorilla wiv halitosis and gallopin’ eczema opens the sandwiches an’ sez ‘Yer might have slices of Semtex in there instead of Spam, so we’re not takin’ any chances’ – then that was me spendin’ £5 nicker for a halal hot dog that tasted like corpse’s cock. Plus we had ter cough up another £1:60 ter get a small bottle of poxy tap water wiv the seal broken that one of them pikey twats runnin’ the stalls had probably pissed in.”

Cornered by media reporters, Shylock Scattstein , CEO of the Ripoffs Catering Corp who were awarded the Olympics venue food and beverage franchise, defended the exorbitant prices, claiming “Hey, so what is the problem in paying £4.80 for a nice chilled soft drink, or £6.90 for some kosher matzo or a halal bacon butty – it’s still cheaper than the Ritz.”

To add insult to injury, if ticket holders don’t fancy coming out in sympathy with the thousands of Palestinian prisoners of conscience on hunger strike in Israeli jails and going hungry for the day - or a fortnight - and decide to splash out and have a nosh - to buy food or drinks – or any fucking thing else for that matter at the Olympic Park they'll be forced to use cash or a Rothshite kikester Visa card – as no other debit or credit cards will be accepted.

Oh yes, a prime example of extortionate Crapitalist commercial piracy at its worse - in yet another shameful bid to cash in on the enforced thirst / hunger predicament of Broken Britain’s poverty-stricken common herd - out to make what bankster types refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ – and all justified via this ridiculous Chicken Little alarmist deception that banning bottles of water and cans of soft drinks and skin lotions – and not forgetting the dreaded cyanide-laced ‘hand wash’ - will foil some fantasy militarist attack by a determined Jolly Jihadi terrorist force.

The original airline liquids ban was ushered in under a veil of deception in 2006 after the UK’s bodging Plod Squad claimed to have foiled a MI6-hatched Mohammed al Patsy plot to bring down planes flying between Britain and the Great Satan – following the Wiley T. Coyote style fiasco of a ‘shoe bomber’ failing to blow his own socks off.

The false flag terror plot fiction had been to smuggle on board a bevy of innocuous chemicals hidden within soft drinks and shampoo bottles - such as salt and vinegar - or peroxide and black pepper – or brake fluid and bleach – then set up a Wallace and Gromit style physics lab in the aircraft bog to mix the chemicals into an explosive blend – then several hours later, after the process had ‘cured’ – and all the while ignoring the banging on the toilet door by a legion of bladder-bursting passengers - detonate this pisspotticle non-brisant, pyrotechnic blend – and set off the smoke alarms.

Conversely, and rightly so too, critics claim the ‘terrorist plots’ hysteria is a ploy to virtually force visitors to purchase over-priced tucker and drinks –whereas at both Lord’s and Wimbledon traditional picnic hampers are permitted, albeit alcohol is restricted to one jeroboam of wine or a slab of 24 beer cans per pisshead.

Thought for the day: Fuck the 2012 Olympics and Shitstreak missiles on the roofs of people’s homes. Fuck Big Brother too – and his sister – and the New World Order. Let the lot go and wave their ‘false flags’ elsewhere.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.