In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A High Street payday loan shark outfit has been branded as socially irresponsible after the company posted a blog enticing people to take out ‘Live Now – Pay Later’ cash advances to fund their Jubilee celebrations this weekend – with ten meters of free Union Jack bunting thrown in for every £100 quid borrowed.
Ripoffs-R-Us Bank proposed that the Queen's Diamond Jubilee presented the perfect opportunity to celebrate in true British style – and get further into debt.
The blog advertisment read "If you want to boost your Jubilee spending pot, a same day loan could provide the money you need for a couple of bottles of vino to keep your bitch happy and a few cases of Old Headbanger lager."
The online blog has been roundly condemned by Flatbroke, the debt advice charity, for encouraging people to take out high interest loans so they can throw a party and invite all their mates around for a mega-barbie and all-day piss-up – which is not only a breach of responsible lending and brokering policies but also viewed as promoting unhealthy eating habits and the politically incorrect culture of binge drinking.
Bazz ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, the CEO of Ripoffs-R-Us, informed one press hack from the Usury Gazette that the advert in its offending format had been taken down after the company received a flood of complaints from social activists.
"The blog woz posted by a contracted third party ad’ agency an’ perhaps we fucked up by trustin’ them an’ not checkin’ it out ter make sure it wozn’t sendin’ any conflictin’ messages.”
"We would like ter clarify ter anyone wot needs a payday loan fer any reason other than an emergency that the interest payable on £180 is £45 nicker - if paid back in full within 28 days cos our statuary APR rate is 1,737%.”
Ronnie Scrote, the director of Flatbroke, founded the debt advice charity after he lost his job due redundancies as investment chief of the ‘Brass Farthings’ portfolio division at the City’s prestigious Wilkins Micawber Centre for Advanced Fiscal Guessology, and was evicted from his home when the bottom-feeding building society repossessed it for non-payment of the mortgage.
“There I was, faced with eviction and the option of ending up living on the local landfill site in a cardboard box so I took out a total of 60-odd loans from a dozen different companies over 18 months to offset the inevitable and built up a debt that would make the Treasury Chancellor George Osborne shit kittens.”
“Now I spend my days advising folks how to juggle their dodgy finances to make ends meet - and looking over my shoulder every five minutes to avoid some debt collecting heavies breaking my legs for defaulting on repayments – which is a no-brainer when you only get £60 quid a week in Jobseekers allowance.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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