Princess’s Toyboy in Russian Mafia Hit

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Baroness Marie Christine Anna Beanstalk Hedwig Ida von Reebok, perhaps known better to the British public as the lanky nymphomaniac Princess Michael –and Austro-Hungarian wife of Prince Michael of Kunt - who notoriously disdains Botox treatments and attributes her taut porcelain complexion and nubile schoolgirl tits to using toyboy semen as a complete body moisturiser - is reported to be in a state of distress following a gangland hit on her mega-rich Russian tycoon toyboy, Mikhail Kravchenko.

The bullet-riddled body of her zillionaire boyfriend was left in a pool of blood beside his armoured Mercedes in the suburb of Pederastoff after he was hauled from his car and shot over thirty times – from head to foot and back again.
Eye witnesses reported that the murder was committed by two typical ex-Lubyanka FSB thugs – graphically described as professional assassins who knew which end of a gun the bullets came out from.

Detective’s from Moscow’s inept ‘Plodsky Squadsky’, who are notorious for their inability to find snow in Gorky Park in the middle of winter, are investigating the crime but claim reasons for the fatal hit remain a mystery.

However, speculation by investigative journalists indicate that Kravchenko may have fallen out with certain bent government figures before his death – but considering the fact that the Vlad Putrid / Dimitry Medvedev United Kleptocracy Party regime esconced in the Kremlin is fuelled on graft and corruption to such a degree it can no longer function without – then anything’s possible.

One shit-raking editorial in this morning’s Korruption Gazette gave air to rumours that the murder could be connected to an attempt by Politburo insider Mikhail Sackashit, the incumbent Minister for Ripoffs & Acquisitions, to seize control of Kravchenko’s £130 million-a-year flatpack art nouveau furniture business founded on the tide of Wild West capitalism that followed the collapse of Communism - or to debts he ran up during the recession when he branched out into Russia’s Mafia-dominated real estate and construction markets.

Princess Michael and Kravchenko caused a royal scandal back in 2006 after being pictured by the paparazzi fondling each other’s erogenous zones while taking a water-borne trip around Venice with Blind Gondola Tours - where they spent four days shacked up together in the fabulous honeymoon suite of the Slutarama Palace, Venice's most glamorous hotel.

Here her Royal Horniness registered under the name of Princess Green, and Kravchenko, the nom de guerre of Vladimir Smith, although both parties denied they were having an affair and joked there was nothing between them – apart from a pair of bollocks.

The mongrel Princess, born in Karlsbladder, then part of the German Sudetenland, who recently boasted on her 69th birthday celebration that she was now the same age as her favourite oral sex position, has a history of suffering ‘blonde moment’ lapses since adolescence and was labelled with the derogatory sobriquet of Princess Pushy due a life-long ego trip fuelled by her own delusional sense of self – and viewed by critics as yet another frog who dreams of becoming a toad – and considers herself a bit too grand for the rest of the royal family.

Known to friends and associates alike as ‘old shit for brains’ and the type of person you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise due her inherent rudeness – she is sarcastically referred to by Queen Lizzie as ‘the six-foot Valkerie’ –a reflection on her reputation for being a bit of a bolter and possessing the libidinous Amazon propensity for fucking anything with a cock.

The money-grubbing princess has gained a certain infamy for being attracted to men endowed with big wallets - and once immodestly boasted she’s crawl naked through a patch of cactus for a hot meal.
In 1971, she married the old Etonian bankster Rupert Scumm – on which occasion a guest at their Doggers Wood wedding fatefully introduced her to Prince Michael, who took an immediate liking to the cut of her jib and gave her a swift ‘knee trembler’ porking behind the buffet tent.

Ignoring the strictures of her Catholic faith, the marriage to Scumm was dissolved in 1978 and she was wed to the prince in Vienna amid rumours she was still conducting a series of sordid affairs - and engaged in an illicit relationship with the Texan billionaire Ward Scrunt, a super-rich oil tycoon who unfortunately had the flawed habit of thinking with his cock instead of his brains and was eventually sent packing.

In the wake of the purported Russian Mafia hit murder, innuendo and rumours regarding Kravchenko and Princess Pushy are flying thick and fast.
Apparently she became enamoured with Kravchenko due his shaggy hair and bulging wallet – and bountiful supply of industrial strength Viagra – and consolidated her position as his three-hole suck n swallow whore following the death of his Ukrainian girl friend, the celebrity pole dancer and night club stripper, Tekem Orloff, in a 2001 car smash.

Regardless of being notoriously wealthy and a kidnap target, Kravchenko disdained having bodyguards in tow and boasted he had no enemies – apart from the pair of unknown thugs who snuffed him last Sunday – a factor which has prompted Russian detectives to consider a scenario that Prince Michael himself might be involved in the oligarch’s death – in revenge for being cuckolded.

Prince Michael has also been the subject of considerable speculation concerning acts of adultery stemming from allegations he had a sodomic relationship with ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev after meeting him at a dinner party in the 1980’s, which left the Russian with a ruptured sphincter and unable to do the splits.

Coincidentally, (albeit not necessarily an incriminating factor) Prince Michael was in Russia last week, sans Princess Pushy, to receive an honours degree from the St Petersburg Tractor Factory No 7 for his services to British-Russian relations in permitting his wife to have it off with their Board of Directors Chairman, Mikhail Kravchenko.

However, and here the plot thickens, the trip was overshadowed by revelations that Prince Michael (aka ‘Renta-Kent’) had accepted £320,000 quid in a series of 56 secret ‘bungs’ to tax haven offshore accounts between 2001 and 2008 from the bent Russian oligarch and crime boss Boris Fuckoffsky - a leading foe of President Vladimir Putrid – as ‘facilitation fees’ for contracting the pauper Prince’s influence peddling skills.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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