Thursday, 3 May 2012

Olympic Tourists Face UK Borders Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Scameron and Clogg’s pathetic excuse for a Libservative Coalition government is burning the midnight oil 24/7 in a ridiculous horse / barn door attempt to whitewash the scandalous delays at London’s Thiefrow Airport ahead of the Olympics by promising to bring in 80 extra staff - whereas the damning causal fact remains that a total of eleven times the figure of experienced personnel have been dumped on that shameful human resources landfill site, colloquially known as the Jobcentre, for recycling.

However, the gospel according to whistle-blowing insiders, the pledge made yesterday by Immigration Minister Damian Green, the incumbent Tory MP for Gashford, to bring in 80 extra personnel to tackle the interminable queues at the UK Border Agency passport check booths is the equivalent of pissing on an oil well fire – no use whatsoever.

Speaking to one press hack from the Snitch & Grassers Gazette on conditions of anonymity, UKBA mid-level management officer Baz McScrote, revealed that "Draftin’ in staff from other areas of an already overstretched agency is like wot that little Dutch boy did wot stuck his finger in a dyke ter try an’ stop a flood – it just ain’t gonna work.”
“Two effin’ years ago we had 8,874 trained personnel on the books – wot’s now dropped by 886 head ter a grand total of 7,988 at the end of March.”

“So Damian Green’s bullshit excuses an’ denials concernin’ reports of three-hour delays at Thiefrow last week is a crock of crap cos this is gonna be a continuin’ crisis at this airport and highlights Broken Britain's embarassin’ inability ter cope wiv the comin’ air travel rush wot’s forecast fer the Diamond Jubilee celebrations.”

“Then yer got Wimbledon comin’ up, followed by the Olympic Games – when yer gonna have zillions of athletes an’ tourists – an’ regiments an’ battalions of them Al Qaeda Jolly Jihad Muslims arrivin’ ter carry out false flag terrorist attacks an’ make an all-round fuck up of things wiv their salt and vinegar bombs an’ that cyanide-laced handwash wot they’re plannin’ on leavin’ in public bogs.”

Willie Wonka, the CEO of International Airlines Group, which includes British Airways, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “This claim put out by Minister Green and senior Borders Agency staff that no one faced delays of more than 10 minutes at passport check booths is totally false.”

"We have accurate, detailed information – and too CCTV proof – along with a mountainous stack of complaint letters - that proves arriving passengers from incoming flights lined up for several hours last Friday – which caused outbreaks of ‘queue rage’ – plus a legion of whom experienced incontinence episodes – with several elder travellers dying of boredom .”

“In fact, the queue was so long that if the passengers had been placed end to end, they would have stretched from here to Glasgow Airport and back six times over.”

So, if you don’t fancy an interminable wait in an immigration queue, fuck Broken Britain – simply stay home and watch the Olympics live on Sky Sports – on the super-sized telly you can afford to buy with the air ticket savings.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: