Sunday, 6 May 2012

Council Fubar Grasses up Grassers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Residents and witnesses who complained to their local authority concerning the culture of anti-social behaviour prevalent on the crime-hit Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate in North London have been provided with 24/7 police protection after a bureaucratic error led to their personal details being passed on to the actual troublemakers themselves – the Lex Talionis Gang.

Officials at Slumborough Hamlets Council in north London went into self-flagellation penance mode and described the blunder as "unforgivable" and a ‘total fuck up’ - and are now, with 20/20 hindsight, attempting to limit the potential collateral damage caused by the devastating data leak which has already led to a sustained campaign of para-harassment, several cases of arson and two revenge killings - regardless of Community Enforcement Officers from the Renta-Thug Security Agency patrolling a housing estate around the clock to protect the community’s Snitch & Grassers Association stoolies involved.

The bundle of evidence gathered in order to serve injunctions on 13 suspected scallies - which would ban them from the Stench Hill housing estate - was delivered to the troublemakers along with the injunctions.
The details – including the identities, addresses and phone numbers of the fifty-plus whingeing residents who made complaints had been photocopied by the council's not-fit-for-purpose legal department and erroneously stapled to the injunctions – all of whom are now on the gang’s ‘hit list’

The New Labour council's crime boss, Alderman Frank Knobhead, informed one press hack from the Yardies Gazette that he was furious at the blunder which has set the council's innovative ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ flagship drive against anti-social behaviour right on its proverbial arse.

Interviewed later on the BBC’s primetime Asbo Hour programme, Knobhead pontificated on council strategy. "In order to tackle anti-social behaviour we rely on residents coming forward as witnesses – who are quite often scared shitless. The initial nuisance behaviour was caused by playing music too loudly and verbally intimidating residents but when the crucifix burnings started outside the homes of immigrant residents with a permanent sun tan - and the local mosque got petrol-bombed with the emergency services responders coming under sniper fire, then we decided to issue a few Asbo’s.”

"Personally I’m gobsmacked as these details should be on a confidential eyes-only data record, never mind accessed and photocopied by some £5 quid an hour shit-for-brains office clerk. In other areas of the Town Hall, such as child protection, you can't even log on to the computers if you’re a raving paedo’ kiddie fiddler with your name in the Sex Offenders Register."

The injunctions were served following the processing of shed loads of evidence submitted by the Stench Hill Snitch & Grassers Association gathering last week. It only emerged some days later that the complainants’ personal details had been attached by mistake.

This factor came to light after one of the whingeing complainants, Ms Candida Mingerot, was dragged into bushes at the local Doggers Wood Park and subjected to a three-hole clusterfuck rape session by members of the Lex Talionis Gang as she was out walking her pet corgi – which copped for a dose of the same treatment and was sodomised by the gang’s pack of baby-biting Pit Bull terriers.

Cllr Knobhead related “We originally believed the troublemakers were simply a bunch of low level scrotes and scumbags, rather than turning out to be a cadre of organised and violent yobsters with more guns and explosives ordnance that the Army’s 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment.”
“Thus the Plod Squad’s ‘Armed Response’ team will be patrolling the estate 24 hours a day to prevent any further trouble. Officers have paid a call on six of the offenders addresses where the information had been delivered, to recover it and warn the youths involved of the serious consequences should they exact any further revenge on the named witnesses.”

"We’re doing everything we can to restore public confidence, as the co-operation of the public is the only way to tackle anti-social behaviour. We intend to assist the affected Stench Hill residents in any way we can, such as supplying stab vests and other body armour accoutrements; installing brick-proof windows and asbestos curtains to foil petrol bomb attacks - or even helping them relocate a couple of hundred miles north - to Stoke-on-Trent perhaps.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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