Dirty Digger’s Driver Fingers Kunt

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

If it wasn’t for ‘bad luck’ then the embattled Tory Culture Secretary Jeremy Kunt simply would not have any.
New Labour leader Ed Millipede is exerting a maximum histrionic effort with his hysterical Salome impersonation and demanding Kunt’s head on a platter, like John the Baptist’s before him - due his departmental responsibility as an impartial quasi-judicial watchdog and allowing special adviser Adam ‘The Mole’ Smith to feed the Dirty Digger’s News Corporation crime syndicate a stream of real time up-to-the-minute facts and figures on government opinions regarding the monopolising BSkyB bid.

To add fuel to Kunt's waiting funeral pyre, last Friday Rebekah Wade Brooks, the ginger-mingin ex-CEO ‘Monarch’ of the Mudrock’s News International, appeared before the witch-hunting Leveson Inquiry and dropped the star-crossed Jeremy right in the proverbial shit with revelations of dodgy e-mails he had sent to News International’s top public affairs gopher Freddy Michel concerning the controversial bid and how he wanted News Corp to guide government policy on the phone hacking scandal.

Now, to cap the irony, and agony, in a bizarre – perhaps Karmic - turn of events, Kunt has been fingered and grassed up ‘right proper’ by Rupert Mudrock’s ex-chauffeur Paul Maley who claims his lawyers, the ambulance-chasing Slipshod, Upshot & Bagrot, Solicitors have a ’black book’ record detailing a total of seventeen packages of £5,000 quid ‘bungs’ made by him personally to ten ‘named’ corrupt Met’ Plod Squad officers behind the public lavatories at Doggers Wood in Hyde Park – a series of incidences he claims to have discussed at a 40-minute duration secret meeting with Secretary Kunt, his constituency MP for Slurrey, last September.

Interviewed by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on BBC 2’s primetime ‘Graft & Corruption Hour’ programme, Mr Maley claimed that since passing his information to Scotland Yard he has become the target of a campaign of intimidation to deter him from identifying the bent officers who took the payments – including threatening phone calls to ‘keep yer gob shut or else’ – plus parcels of rotting fish posted through his letter box with no return address – and nightly drops of poop bags filled with dogshit.

Maley informed the wing-nut headed Marr “The bastard plods from the Met’ is after me fer snitchin’ them up. They keep sendin’ these Community Enforcement Officers round – wot’s really traffic wardens an’ wears them Renta-Moron jackets – an’ they’re ticketin’ me motor every effin’ day - an’ it got clamped an’ towed away as well last week – even though it woz parked in me effin’ garage.”

Even though denying the veracity of Paul Maley’s accusations, Jeremy Kunt’s official position has been hanging in the balance since special adviser Adam ‘Quisling’ Smith was forced to resign after he was discovered to have accepted thirty pieces of silver and a year-long free subscription to The Sun for passing on privileged government information concerning News Corp’s takeover bid for BSkyB.

The Met’s Plod Squad officers, headed by Deputy Assistant Commissioner Sue Knackers, are currently carrying out three parallel investigations into alleged criminal activity by News International group journalists – and ironically ‘themselves’.

Specifically these are Operation Whodunnit – the police investigation into alleged phone-hacking at the News of the World – juxtaposed with Operation Twat Hunt – the police investigation into inappropriate payments to officers (bribery and corruption) by News International – and additionally Operation Hacker – the investigation into allegations of computer and phone hacking by News International staff and contracting Third Parties.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.