Tory Twits Pasted Over Pastygate

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition government’s flawed plans to add 20% VAT to static caravans and Cornish pasties have been tactically aborted after it was explained to moronic cabinet ministers what a ‘pasty’ actually was – and that ‘static’ caravans didn’t go anywhere and were not the horse-drawn hideouts of tax-dodging gyppo’s and thieving pikey pimps – hence now forcing them to focus elsewhere to impose the next round of ‘stealth taxes’ to raise £70 million quid to fund their next foreign war of aggression.

The shit-for-brains Tory Chancellor George Osborne controversially proposed in the budget that any food served above ‘ambient temperature’ (cold) would be taxed at 20 per cent to address a swathe of anomalies in Broken Britain’s tax system – little realising that as far as the public are concerned the only ‘anomaly’ is the imposition of VAT on any fucking thing that already carries revenue duty – let alone lukewarm growlers.

While New Labour's shadow secretary to the Treasury, the ginger-mingin Rachel Reeves MP, described the policy reversal as "a total shambles", other political critics went a daring expletive step further and termed it as more of an utter ‘clusterfuck’ – akin to a Brian Rix plot for a Whitehall Theatre farce.

During a House of Conmans debate last week, MPs from all three main parties criticised Osborne's ‘hot baked savouries’ tax proposals, arguing their implementation would require the recruitment of thousands more Community Enforcement thugs from the G4S Renta-Moron security agency – all armed with thermometers – and further have an adverse impact on our once-sceptred isle’s beleaguered sausage roll industry.

Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, the Communities and Local Government Minister and incumbent Tory MP for Double Helpings - along with New Labour’s poison dwarf heckler Ed ‘Gobshite’ Balls, the MP for More-or-Less - both paunchy meat pie addicts - experienced a joint Pauline epiphany on their way for a lunchtime snack at the local Greggs chew n spew outlet and that afternoon recruited Labour leader Fast Eddie Millipede and a legion of like-minded back benchers to their cause and attacked the complacent Osborne’s proposed ‘pasty tax’ with a vengeance.

This prompted PM Posh Dave Scameron to jump to the embattled Chancellor’s defence with fallacious claims that he too was a pasty fan and on more than one occasion had a quick nibble while out on an all-night piss-up bender with his London Mayor mate Bonkers Boris Nonsense and the rest of the Oxford Uni’ Bullingdon Club rabble.

To add to Osborne’s ignominy, Raving Rupert Mudrock’s ‘Sun’ gutter press tabloid made the most embarrassing comparison of likening him to Marie Antoinette (‘Let them eat cake’) following his retort to critics that if consumers wished to avoid the 20% VAT duty they could eat their pasties cold.

(Within the pages of that iconic Victorian text, ‘A Boy’s Guide to Lead Mining Diseases’, are documented reports that during the Great Firewood Famine of 1875, stalwart Cornishmen resorted to hurling themselves down pit shafts and ripping their own heads off sooner than face the unthinkable - and have to eat a stone cold pasty)

Thought for the day. Whitehall gossip that the true reason for the Chancellor’s climb down on the ‘Pasty Tax’ brouhaha was due the Bakers Union putting a ‘double tap contract’ out on him has been strenuously denied by the Tory Party HQ.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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