Saturday, 19 May 2012

Jubilee Lunch a ‘Banquet for Barbarians’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The King of Bahrain, Hamad bin Isa al Shitbag, and Swaziland's King Kong M’Twatsi Bongo Jaffacake III are among a group of controversial monarchs with worse human rights and wrongs records than Caligula, Atilla the Hun, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Joseph Kony and Ratty Mladic combined that were invited to attend the Royal Parasites’ Jubilee Parade and lunchtime banquet nosh being hosted by Queen Lizzie at Windsor Caatle on Friday.

This extravagant noontime Lucullan feast was to be followed by yet another bacchanalian nose-bagging session in the evening at Buck’s Palace, hosted by the Plant Whispering Prince Chazzer and his chain-smoking troll of a missus, Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole.
Also in attendance were Prince Willy and Kate Middleclass, along with Prince Harry Hewitt, the ginger-mingin Royal Cuckoo, and the influence-peddling Duke of York, accompanied by his piranha-toothed daughters, the Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie – aka the Ugly Slapper Sisters.

However anti-monarchist protesters and human rights activists were unanimous in voicing their opinions of condemnation at such an ostentatious display of profligate splendour when the peasantry of Broken Britain have the Libservative Coalition government’s ‘austerity measures’ jackboot on the backs of their necks – and collectively informed one press hack from the Spendthrifts Gazette that the invitations were a shocking misjudgement which served to illustrate how truly Queen Lizzie was out of touch with her own masses and the humanitarian values of the nation’s unemployed proletariat – aka the 99% ‘have not’s’.

Baz McSkanger, director of the Twat-Watch charity told the media "Invitin’ a bunch of blood-stained despots an’ cannibals ter a semi-civilised place like the UK an’ Windsor Castle brings shame ter the institution of the effin’ monarchy an’ tarnishes the Diamond Jubilee celebrations. It’s a kick in the fuckin’ teeth fer pro-democracy campaigners an’ political prisoners in the dungeons and torture chambers of these totalitarian regimes wot’s getting water-boarded an’ their fingernails pulled out every fuckin’ week – the old Abu Ghraib manicure.”

“Wot’s more, it adds insult ter injury when yer got the Queen’s invitation juxtaposed wiv the hypocrisy of supplyin’ the psycho Bahrain Plod Squad’s thugs wiv arms wot sends an effin’ message that the British monarchy approves of human rights abuses – which is nowt new, either.”

On Thursday, former Foreign Office Minister Sir Dinsdale Armitage-Shanks, the incumbent Tory MP for Old Scrotum, criticised Bahrain for the arrest, torture and extra-judicial murders of thousands of its own people since the Western- conspired Arab Spring ‘regime change’ revolts kicked off in 2011.

"For too long has Britain maintained this hypocrisy of condemning human rights and wrongs abuses by the Third World fascist regimes of raghead monarchs while making great and profitable industry by supplying these homicidal maniacs with lethal arms and the essential tools to expedite the savage repression of their disaffected and marginalised peasant classes.”

“We have turned a blind eye to this culture of repression carried out under the rule of royals across the expanse of Greater Arabia and the Foreign Office’s Minister, this pro-Zionist clot Willy Vague, should be protecting Broken Britain’s Monarch rather than expose her to a most compromising situation where she has to sit down and break bread and sup with a bunch of dodgy despots and dictators."

Meanwhile, a group of UK-based Swazilander gollies protested outside the Savoy hotel, in London, where career kleptomaniac King Kong M’Twatsi Bongo Jaffacake III - who is widely accused of profligate spending while his people live in abject poverty - is shacked up on the entire top floor and the £10,000 quid per day penthouse suite with his entourage and harem of 300 concubines.
The King is rated by Forbes magazine as the world's 15th richest monarch and worth what banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’.

Bahrain besides, the royal barbarians of Saudi Arabia, Oman and Kuwait are also attending the banquet in their best tea towels, duvet covers and flip flops – and whose presence has been protested by Amnesty international that, along with WickedLeaks, highlighted the human rights abuses in all of the fascist-governed shitholes as the authorities there crack down on demonstrators and reformists – with any form of protest being labelled ‘domestic terrorism’ - a ‘capital criminal offence’ under the statutes of their draconian Dark Ages Sharia laws.

Meanwhile, the slack-arsed Queen Sofia of Spain will not be attending due suffering a fit of pique over a dispute concerning fishing rights off Gibraltar, a UK territory that Spain also claims. Likewise her wastrel scumbag of a husband, King Juan Carlos, has declined an invitation, using the piss poor excuse he is recovering from a broken hip sustained when he fell over a darkie gopher while pissed out of his head on a tax-payer funded safari in Botswana – when the real reason lies in the fact the Spics have a super cob-on over Gibraltar – plus they’re still hurting over the British sinking their Armada back in 1588.

The brouhaha incited by this parade of Divine Right regal embarrassments besides, King N’Kunta Chuckabutty of Sao Tome arrived in Windsor riding on an elephant and presented QE2 with a McDonald’s chew n spew burger bag full of conflict diamonds - plus two sacks of free trade bananas – the traditional gift of homage.

The grossly obese and bulimia-beating King Tofu Walla-Walla Porkchop of Tonga arrived earlier in the week with an equally-corpulent entourage - and his personal throne designed by Vosper-Thornycroft Shipyards and built by Tata Iron and Steelworks of Mumbai, to accommodate his 300 kilo lardy arse.

Also in attendance for the Windsor luncheon treat is batshit bonkers Datu Ratu Tatu of Johor in Malaysia, who has been formally requested not to repeat his customary party piece trick of beating erring servants to death with a #7 iron golf club, then driving the state limo into the swimming pool.

The Regal Heads of State will be entertained during their repast by the choir of Windsor’s St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites – plus an impressive repertoire of xenophobic insults, racist ‘bad taste’ jokes and rude remarks from the Queen’s Consort, HRH Prince Philip of Greece.

Windsor Castle Banquet Hall Lunch Menu:

Starters: Merits Royal Hampton Peasant Bone and Sorrell Soup.

Windsor Court Salad of English Landfill Site Watercress, with Avocado and Tomato and a Seal Vomit Dressing.

Entree: Shaun the Sheep Kebabs al la Thermopylae; Sirloin of Platypus Flambée with chives; Pickled Baby Grey Whale Tongues; Dodo Eggs Benedict; Snow Leopard’s Testicles in Aspic; Walrus Kidney’s Devilled; Roasted Black Swan in Fragrant Herbs served with Duchesse Potatoes and Carrots Royale; Aardvark’s Eyeballs with a Blue Cheese Dressing; Choirboy’s Sphincter stuffed with Chestnuts; Lark’s Hearts encased in Puff Pastry with a Butter and Chive Sauce.

Dessert: Freemasons Paedophile Delight of Virgin’s Maidenheads steeped in Kirsch - or Cherry Royale Mousse al la Vanilla Harlot in a Chocolate Cup Drizzled with the Fresh Blood of Kidnapped Palestinian Children.

Coffee with Tyrant's Tarts and Petits Fours, followed by Napoleon Brandy and Cohiba Siglo VI Cigars (rolled on the thighs of 12-year old Cuban whores).

The full Royal guest list for QE2’s Jubilee lunch:

King Willy Dingbat Billabong of Wallamaroo, representing the Aboriginal Ayers Rock contingent of Australian nobility; HM King Mohammed al Shit of Bahrain; HRH Princess Mingeeter Dildodo (Bahrain); HM Leo the Leper, King of The Belgians; HM Queen Fellattia of The Belgians; HM The Snotty Sultan and Yang Di-Pussylips of Brunei along with HM Raja Isteri Pengiran Anak Cock Gobbler – aka ‘Wife Number Two; HM King Slimy Simeon II of the Vulgar Bulgs; HM Queen Margaritaville of the Bulgarians; HM Queen Slutsky II of Denmark; HRH The Prince Consort Bunghole (Denmark); HM King Flatbroke of the Greek Hellenes; HM King Twatty-Twatty of Bongoland; HM Queen Anne Sucknswallow of the Hellenes; HM The Glow in the Dark Emperor of Japan; HM Sue Doku Empress of Japan; HM King Manuke Khara of the Hashemshite Kingdom of Jordan; HM Queen Sharmuta of the Hashemshite Kingdom of Jordan; HM Emperor Highly Unlikely of Ethiopia; HH King Ibn Zamel of Kuwait; HM Sheikh Well Before Using; HM King Jabba the Hutu of Rwanda; HM Queen Seiko Stopwatch of Lesotho; HSH Prince Hans-n Feet II of Shittenstein; HRH Walbert the Dog Wanker, Grand Duke of Luxembourg; HRH Sapphie The Grand Dog Wankeress of Luxembourg; HM Bumi Putra ibn Himar of Malaysia; HM Sheikh Fizzy Al-Kaseltzer of Yemen; HM Seri Shopping Bag Perma-wave of Malaysia; HSH Prince Porsche Brum-Brum of Monaco; HRH Princess Sucko Gamerouche of Morocco; HM Queen Beatrix Godermiche of the Netherlands; HM, Quisling the Tenth, King of Norway; HM Queen Quislinga of Norway; HH Sodom al Arsehole bin Fat Git, Emir of the State of Qatar; HM King Gustav the Pikey of Romania; HM Queen Pikeska of Romania; HRH Prince Mohammed bin Bala’a il A’air of Saudi Arabia; HM King O’Dinga Greedy Kunt of FuzzyWuzzyland; HM Turnip, King of Sweden; HM Turnippa, Queen of Sweden; HRH Twatdunk Foreskin, Crown Prince of Thailand; HRH Princess Slapperatti of Thailand; HRH Guido Corruptioni, Duke of Milan; HM King Donga of Tonga; HM Queen Bonga of Tonga; HH Shitbag al Greedo, Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi; HRH Yoghourt, Crown Prince of Yoghourtslavia.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant - satire pasted onto the cruel truth - laughed my socks off.