Monday, 7 May 2012

Libservative Coalition Slammed at Polls

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Broken Britain’s voting demographic have expressed their ire with the Lib-Dum / Conservative coalition, seeing both parties suffering heavy losses – and PM Posh Dave Scameron admitting to a press hack from the Payback Gazette “The local election results obviously indicate that my government is counting the price for pissing the public off - especially so since they’ve put their tick in the horrid Labour Party box.”
“Okay, unqualified arrogance aside, I admit we might have made a few wrong decisions – such as putting Georgie Osborne in charge of the Treasury office and making an utter bollocks of the budget – but hey, these austerity cuts to benefits and local authority spending are an absolute necessity if we’re to meet our massive debt obligations to the IMF and help the Yanks overthrow these nasty Islamic regimes who hate our democratic way of life.”

So, as Mick ‘Turncoat’ Clogg, leader of the Librarian-Dummercrat ‘Broken Promises’ Party, goes into a state of manic depression and is on 24/7 ‘suicide watch’ after losing what the National Statistics Office referred to as ‘lots and lots of local council seats’ – Cabbage Patch Scameron is left to defend the Austerity Measures Coalition’s mismanagement of the affairs of our once-sceptred isle.

Meanwhile, in joyous celebration victory mode at their sweeping advances, reclaiming seats lost four years ago, New Labour’s child wunderkind Fuhrer Ed Millipede addressed egg-lobbing activists in Southampton and announced “Our election campaign was focused on what matters most to the common herd – their jobseekers allowance and welfare benefit payments – and dropping the duty on a pint of Old Headbanger lager – crucial political ‘win or lose’ factors these Libservative Coalition tossers seem to have ignored.”

In London, the thatch-coiffed Mayor Bonkers Boris de Piffle Nonsense (aka Boris the Bike) scraped by with 1,054,000 votes, a mere 62,000 ahead of that nauseous newt-fancier Red Ken Livingroom, who raked in 992,000 – almost disproving (but not quite) he’s as popular as a leper at a christening.

The UK Independence Party leader Nigel ‘Indestructible’ Barrage toasted UKIP’s steady progress in the local elections by getting seven votes – three more than the Green Party – which means they’ll share a council seat at Smegmadale-on-Sea.

Nick Griffin’s British Racist Party has lost all six of the seats it was defending in the English local elections to the newly-established coalition Paki Pikey Party (PPP) – and now holds the prestigious distinction of coming last in the London mayoral election with its candidate, Carlos ‘Pitbull’ Thugg getting five votes.

Baz McSkanger, director of the local government abuse sentinel charity, Twat-Watch, interviewed by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on BBC 2’s primetime Scumbag Hour, opined that “Let’s not lose sight of the effin’ fact that there woz only a 32% electoral turnout nationally – less than an effin’ third - wot presents a witherin’ testament of rebellion an’ non-compliance an’ sends a message of how sick ter the fuckin’ teeth we, the proletariat, are wiv the entire elitist fraternity of dog-wankers wot’s in the House of Conmans – none of which are the representative models of moral rectitude they might crack on ter be.”

“Just look at the EUSSR – we’ve got traditional politicians bein’ sidetracked an’ tosspot technocrats installed as national leaders wot owes their allegiance ter the Rothshite crime syndicate, an’ prays at the altar of Mammon an’ whose true constituencies are the Fortune 500 corporations.

“Same wiv this arrogant public school pillock an’ Bullingdon Club vandal mate of Scameron’s – Chancellor George Osborne, wot learned his fiscal jugglin’ skills at the Wilkins Micawber Institute of Economics. He’s on an ego trip the size of the national debt an’ yet another bad mannered Tory frog wot dreams of being a toad. These privileged, sanctimonious twats make me spew wiv their absurd sense of entitlement.”
“Osborne’s just another silver spoon scrote wiv ambitions well beyond the scope of his abilities – wot’s revised the Malthusian concept of how ter keep milkin’ the cow without feedin’ the fucker an’ ended up wiv Britain becomin’ a Debtocracy.”

“Then there’s Posh Dave Scameron goin’ on about his austerity measures an’ tryin’ ter get the unemployed ter volunteer ter work fer nowt on local government community projects – lickin’ pavements clean an’ fillin’ in potholes wiv Tarmite - but it’s all down ter destabilisation ter usher in the New World Order.”
“They want ter force this indigenized, multi-cultural policy on us all - wot’s gonna up-end the four pillars of our human identity: Race, Religion, Family and Nation – cos the wholesale disruption of British society is on the agenda.”

“An’ that’s wot the end product is designed ter be - the creation an' maintenance of a dysfunctional society where every fucker an’ their dog’s at each other’s effin’ throats an’ riotin’ an’ shit so they can declare martial law an’ have their Tonton Macoute Plod Squads turn the skunk water cannons on us then round us up an’ shove us all in internment and resettlement centres.”

"They’ve already got hundreds of these re-education an’ forced labour concentration camps set up an’ ready over in the Great Satan under the Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act - an’ the equally dystopian National Defence Authorization Act wot that sneaky Kenyan cuckoo’s signed in ter law. Then they’re gonna diagnose yer as sufferin’ from Oppositional Defiance Disorder – wot yet get from surfin’ alternative news websites, asking awkward questions, thinkin’ fer yerself an’ hence disbelievin’ owt the effin’ government an’ mainstream corporate-fascist controlled media tell yer.”
“An’ this is an aberrant mental condition wot requires treatment wiv veritable cocktail of full strength psychotic medications an’ lots of Common Purpose style NLP brainwashin’ carrot an’ stick techniques wot’s really gonna hurt.”

“The problem we got in the radical activist and anarchy sphere is that 99% of indolent humanity operates accordin’ ter the dictates of its stomach an’ sex organs, hence there exists this confoundin’ glitch in the perceptions of mass human consciousness wot derails their understandin’ of wot the fuck is actually goin’ on in the world - and thus works ter their collective detriment.”

“However, we’re now reachin’ a critical mass state wot’s ready ter erupt in a cataclysmic chain reaction proportionate ter the sum total of past privations and sufferin’s under the dictatorial misrule of dynastic despots and their pisspot panjandrums – an’ their fascist Plod Squad thugs – the enforcers of the will of the political elite an’ the rich and shameless.”

“So get ready ter do yer bit an’ oil the wheels of the revolution when the tumbrels start ter roll – along wiv a legion of MP’s heads – an’ the graft an’ corruption-ridden civil service mandarins wot really run the country fer their Zionist bankster bosses – an’ the spongin’ mongrel parasites an’ genetic mutants wot’s bin squattin’ in Bucks Palace fer generations at the taxpayer’s expense.”

Flatbrokes, the ubiquitous High Street bookmakers, are giving top odds that Tory back benchers led by the ever-contrary ‘blonde moment’ Scouse harpy, Nadine ‘Bargery’ Dorries, will force a vote of confidence in Dave Scameron for a change of party leadership – and hoof both he and his pathetic Chancellor mate George 'Sponge Bob' Osborne out of the cabinet. The odds-on question is, will Lib-Dum leader / Deputy PM Mick Clogg take over the reins of power? More to the point, is Clogg up to the job with his ‘Wallace & Gromit’ methods of expediting political policy?

Thought for the day: Ah well, applying the facilities of subjunctive retrospect and 20/20 hindsight let’s not overlook the fact that in a time of universal deceit, telling the shameful truth regarding the government’s policies of overseas neo-colonial military aggression and corporate imperialism is a revolutionary act – and within Broken Britain ‘optimism’ is now classified as a severe mental aberration indicative of galloping psychosis.

To misquote Heinrich von Kleist – “The government is a vile, living, breathing monument to dishonesty and corruption.

Regardless, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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