Shit Hits Fan over RBS Exec Bonuses

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Tory Work & Pensions Minister Iain Duncan Smith yesterday informed a press hack from the Surrender Monkeys Gazette that ‘utter chaos and mayhem’ would have reigned in the City if Downing Street’s Libservative Coalition cabinet had overruled the Royal Bank of Scumland board’s performance awards decision and vetoed a £963,000 share bonus for its CEO Stephen ‘Tally-Ho’ Hester.

Although Duncan Smith’s scaremongering comments are now diffused to a lesser extent as Hester himself informed gutter press reporters on Monday that “Good grief, after pocketing a £1.2 million base salary and £6.5 million quid’s worth of shares as a bonus last year what would I do with a measly million quid – apart from buy another country estate or stick it in a bank somewhere – probably one of those ever-reliable offshore tax-dodging havens in the Caribbean.”

Contributing his efforts to reduce the cacophony of the public’s hue and cry of “Foul!” the RBS chairman Sir Hugh Jampton has also decided to abide by this path of caution in refusing a £1.4 zillion share bonus after advising the bank's remuneration committee it would not be appropriate in the circumstances – especially so as he was ‘filthy rich already’.

Conversely, the ‘hue and cry’ brouhaha might yet kick off anew when the taxpayers and shit-stirring media learn what other grasping RBS executives are going to pocket in the way of excessive performance bonuses for simply keeping the bank afloat by raking in the usurious interest payments on past loans – while refusing to lend a single penny to small businesses or mortgage applicants.

Under Hester’s leadership the value of RBS shares has not so much fallen but substantially plummeted - to a mere 27 pence as confidence in the ailing bank and his custodianship have dropped at a like rate of catastrophic descent – with stocks down 48% over the last year from their 2007 high of 370 pence.
To wit, the bank is now worth less than half of what the hapless taxpayers coughed up for the shares when rescuing the group with an injected £45.5 billion quid of fresh capital – an investment that has fallen in value by a painful £27 billion.

News of the lavish RSB bonuses has pricked up the hackles of people across the swathe of the political spectrum, with London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, himself a die-hard blue-nosed Tory and money-grubbing oick, informing media reporters that the bonuses allotted to a bunch of incompetent RBS bankster shits were – to quote: “These awards are obscene and absolutely bloody bewildering as I don’t get paid anywhere near that – nor did my predecessor Red Ken Livingroom.”

Parliamentary opposition leader Ed Millipede, oblivious to the gross hypocrisy fact it was due 13 years of New Labour mismanagement that nurtured this exorbitant bonus culture, accused Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron of a disgraceful failure of leadership for permitting, as opposed to vetoing, the bumper bonuses being paid to the executives of a publicly-owned organisation which has sacked over 21,000 staff since Hester took charge - and whose share price is down 36% over the last year – yet are able to conjure up a £500 million performance bonus kitty to dole out between themselves.

Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, the director of the government abuse monitor Kunt-Watch, speaking on BBC One's Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr programme, expressed the widely held opinion that these bloated executive pay packages are the result of unbridled and irresponsible capitalism which gave the cash-strapped proletariat a slap in the face impression of a Marie Antoinettesque ‘let them eat cake’ culture that’s out of control.

“Yer got these pondscum bankster exec’s at the RBS pocketin’ wot hedge fund managers an’ bean counters refer to as ‘lots and lots of effin’ money’ from a financial institution wot was a profit-sharin’ scheme that suffered a severe polarity shift in 2008 an’ instantly became a multi-billion quid loss-sharin’ scheme wot got dumped straight on the backs of Broken Britain’s hapless taxpayers like Quasimodo’s hump.”
“So bollocks ter Ian Duncan Smith talkin’ about a state of effin’ ‘chaos’ descendin’ on the RBS if Downin’ Street kiboshes these bonuses – the whole shebang woz in utter fuckin’ chaos cos of Freddy Goodwin’s incompetence when the bank went bust an’ we had ter bail them out – an’ that prick gets a knighthood fer causin’ the balls-up.”

“The entire RBS board’s a bunch of vulgarians wot’s laughin’ at the workin’ classes an’ unemployed – an’ us blokes wiv zero social status are getting’ our noses rubbed in the smelly brown stuff yet again.”
“Just look at wot this Rupert de Twatt, the top dog of the RBS Ripoffs Division’s gettin’ fer his effin’ performance bonus - £1:6 million nicker – an’ that’s fer foreclosin’ on bad loans an’ repossessin’ some poor fucker’s house an’ tossin’ the wife an’ kids out on the streets ter live.”

“Then yer got this shitbag Slimy Stephen Hester at the top of the predator pile – wot’s picked up over £11 million quid in pay an’ bonuses since he took over in 2008 an’ comes across as the type of conscienceless Philistine wot lacks any trace of human empathy fer another sentient bein’ but rather relishes wiv a perverse delight goin’ out on the hunt, ridin’ his effin’ horse an’ watchin’ a pack of hounds rip an emotionally-distraught fox ter pieces for fun – an’ that’s banksters for yer.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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