Zulu King Disses Darkie Fudgers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ms Mingeeter Dildodo, the director of South Africa's Human Rights & Wrongs Commission, today informed one press hack from the Homophobes Gazette they were investigating reports that the Zulu monarch of Bongawongaland, King Goodbye Chuckabutty, had breached diplomatic etiquette and the established rules of political correctness during one of his recent hate speeches by referring to male gays as a bunch of ‘shit-stabbing sodomites’ – and the worshippers of Sappho as lesbo rug-munchers who needed of a spot of corrective rape.

The Zulu King was speaking to an audience of thousands of his perma-sun-tanned subjects at the 133rd anniversary of the Battle of Isandlwana - a famous 19th Century Zulu victory over British troops – stating for the media record “In de spirit of Shaka, we sure did kick some honky white ass dat day” – a comment dismissed by the British Foreign Office as simply “Oh well, one can’t educate pork – hence the best we can expect from a pig is a grunt.”

While South Africa's constitution specifically forbids discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation - homophobia is widespread, and next to jaywalking, shop-lifting and identity theft – a major national pastime – with members of the gay community often found gutted and strangled with their own intestines – and a large cassava root jammed up their back passage.

The Western-educated monarch fittingly attended Oxford University’s 'Kings College' where he graduated summa cum laude in Assegai Chucking and earned a coveted ‘Blue’ for Crocodile Wrestling and won the coveted Golden Coconut Award – before returning to rule South Africa’s Bongawongaland with a homophobic iron fist – copy-catting his role models Robert Rhubarbie in the Marxist Utopia of Zimbabwe and Katgotchatongue Musaveni, the batshit bonkers president of Uganda – both of whom have declared playing the beast with two backs a capital offence – along with the dingbat rulers of Malawi, Wormhole Jaffacake - and Kenya’s Twatcha N’kunta.

As to the Zulu King’s homophobic remarks, he rebuked media reporters with his stock response of “Dese people dey am an abomination – dat’s wot de Bible tells us when it condemns men stickin’ dere willy up de bum of another man. St Paul of Tarsus, he done rebuke de unnatural relations of de ‘arsenokoitēs’. Jest ya read de Leviticus 18 an’ 20 wot puts a blanket prohibition on men shaggin’ each other.”
“What is wrong wid dese guys dat dey don’t like pussy? Den ya got de problem wid de lesbians wot is possessed wid dese shameful lusts an’ seems ta like pussy too much when dey meant ta be lookin’ after cock – cos lookin’ after pussy is de man’s job.”

King Chuckabutty, a devout Roman Catholic since being converted away from the evils of pagan worship and cannibalism last year, has been the target of severe censure from foreign human rights and feminist groups around the globe due his predilection for paedophilia in maintaining a polygamous harem of hundreds of pubescent ‘wives and concubines’ - criticism of which in the past has met with the caustic and vulgar rejoinder of “Hey, if dey is old enough ta bleed den dey is old enough ta butcher!”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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