Tuesday, 3 January 2012

UK Plod Squads Dial 999

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what has got to constitute the most embarrassing scandal to hit the UK’s Plod Squads since the last embarrassing scandal, a very hush-hush secret report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by whistle-blowing moles working inside the Ministry of Fuckups has revealed that hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of equipment and personal belongings have been stolen from police stations up and down our once-sceptred isle.

A sampling of thefts that occurred over the past year from inside the supposedly-secure confines of police stations and their adjoining car parks include handcuffs, uniforms, radar guns, dogs, riot shields, a carton of new tasers, a battering ram, rubber bullets, pickaxe handles, Stinger spike strips, pepper spray aerosols waterboarding kits, and in one incident a motorway patrol car – with two plods still inside.

As per usual in matters concerning gross incompetence and large blots on professional escutcheon, Greater Manchester Police topped the stigma list yet again as being the worst hit, with light fingered scallies nicking a £10,000 quid patrol car - and a £30,000 private BMW saloon belonging to Chief Constable Des ‘Evening All’ Dorksbury – which, thanks to a manufacturer’s RFID security locator chip being fitted, later turned up half buried in a Mauritanian sand dune along the route of the Paris to Dakar Rally.

Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle, director of the Taxpayers' Alliance – a watchdog group that go to great pains to campaign for greater efficiency within publicly-funded organisations – informed press hacks “What a disgrace. These people are forever sermonising to the peasant masses concerning crime prevention precautions and lobbying for security companies to sell us all manner of anti-burglar paraphernalia, yet they’re getting robbed themselves left, right and centre. Really, do these uniformed clots ever lock anything up?”

"This leaked Ministry of Fuckups report provides a complete index of stolen items which is staggering when we consider we have the numpty plods giving out advice yet can't seem to avoid being ripped off by the very criminals they’re paid to catch.”
“It’s the same across the entire swathe of the UK – and sounds like the plotting of some organised Thieves-R-Us outfit when they go round targeting police stations and stealing high value physical evidence, supposedly locked away for use in criminal prosecutions.”

“Then we have this clusterfuck incidence where a gang of scallies set fire to the Smegmadale-on-Sea station’s wheelie bin on Bonfire Night and while the plods were outside organising their car park hose pipe to extinguish the blaze, the thieves entered the unmanned premises, unlocked the cells and released their mates, then made off with a mixed bag of warrant cards, the CCTV monitor and recording unit, three bicycles and a bag of crumpets – plus K9 PC Rover – the station’s German Shepherd guard dog.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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