Saturday, 28 January 2012

UK Jobcentres to Push Prostitution

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a grasping at straws desperate attempt to arrest the geometric rate of escalation in Broken Britain’s unemployment statistics, the inept Works & Pensions Minister Iain Duncan Smith has announced he intends to take a leaf out of Germany’s jobseeking handbook where, under the numpty Kraut’s 2009 welfare reform’s ‘Fuck or Starve Bill’ women up to the age of 65 who’ve been out of work for more than a year can be forced to take any available job – including a vacancy in the sex industry – or lose their unemployment benefits.

Duncan Smith informed one press hack from the Skivers Gazette that “It’s a spiffing idea that came to me in a divine flash while giving the cat an enema last weekend - like some latter day Pauline epiphany - so I’ll be pushing a bill in the House of Conmans this coming week for the legalisation of prostitution and brothels. Then at least we can get legions of unemployed women off the books and back into work again.”
“And what a boost to the Chancellor Osborne’s coffers and the economy in general that will be – and all in time for the Queen’s jubilee in June and the 2012 Olympic Games fortnight.”

“Seriously, there’s going to be several million tourists visiting Broken Britain for these events – with Wimbledon falling right in the middle too – so as the Met’ Office is counting on a real sunshine summer, with everyone getting a bit frisky and fancying a quick shag, then what better than to have several strategically positioned knocking shops around the Marshgate Lane Olympic stadium with plenty of pimps on hand to drum up business and point punters in the right direction.”

“We can always add a few ‘Adult Entertainment’ direction signs for the benefit of tourists as there’s nothing worse than being in a strange city and trying to find a whore house. I know the problems we ran into last year when holding our Tory Party conference in Manchester and going out on the razzle of a night-time – then ending up in the Gay Village on Canal Street – which is okay if you’re ex-public school like half the cabinet and into poking blokes up the bum, I suppose.”
“But for Christ’s sake don’t mention any of this to Betsy, she’s go bonkers-ballistic and have my balls hung on the wind chimes if she even suspected I’d been blowing my spends on three-hole Mancunian strumpets - or getting a blow job off a poofter.”

“The Jobcentre Plus exec’s mentioned in the past of having women on the books that possess no skills whatsoever and plead they’ll do any job rather than go onto the soul-destroying Stage 4 scheme – so here’s their chance. No real work ‘sexperience’ required for lying on their back with their legs wide apart – or kneeling there for a pillow-biting doggy style session, so I reckon we’re going to have women queuing up to be flogging their golly to the Olympics tourists.”

“Okay, I realise the feminist lobbies and Good Samaritan moralists – and the bloody Church - are going to be kicking up a stink over this proposal but it’s one route of getting our unemployed girls back into the work ethic. And may I remind you that whores from all over the EUSSR are going to be descending on London in veritable droves to start flogging their erotic talents come the Jubilee and Olympics – so we’ve got to provide any of Britain’s Slut Club who are game with a chance to get on the ‘game’, so to speak.”

Conversely Bev ‘Snowball’ Titwank, an unemployed 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, told press hacks that “Is this twat Duncan Smith off his effin’ head or what? Legalised brothels my arse. Who the fuck wants an official set-up an’ all kinds of government NHS health checks fer Gallopin’ Mingerot an’ HSE rules an’ statutes about fetish play an’ BD/SM games – or havin’ a quickie knee trembler in a pub car park.”

“Whatever, but me an’ me mate Feral Beryl woz talkin’ last night an’ we reckon the next effin’ thing they’ll want ter do is start regulatin’ our phone line sex calls an’ have us payin’ taxes – then they’ll stop our benefits too like they’re threatenin’ ter cap ‘em off at £26,000 quid a year wot really sucks cos that’s wot pays fer the little extras fer the kids – like food an’ clothes an’ all that kind of shit. This is one profession we don’t want regulatin’ by the effin’ government or they’ll make a total fuck of it the same as wiv everythin’ else they put their hands on. Just keep it illegal an’ we’ll keep payin’ off the Plod Squad an' PC Cyclops ter turn a blind eye.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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