Tories Branded Scouseland ‘Hopeless Case’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to freshly-released National Archive files reveals a damning indictment of habitual Tory contempt for Britain’s tax-paying peasants – with PM Maggie Twatcher urged to abandon Scouseland to ‘ fester in its own mongrel criminality’ by her ‘cottaging’ Chancellor Geoffrey ‘Three Chins’ Howe.

The confidential government documents, which have been released under the 30-year rule, reveal ‘dirty deal’ discussions in Twatcher’s snob-infested cabinet during Liverpool’s Toxteth Riots in 1981 – which kicked off big time in the July of that year as a result of the heavy-handed arrest of Leroy Wormhole Jaffacake on Chuckabutty Street in Liverpool 8 under the statutes of the unwritten ‘Sus Laws’ - for being in possession of a permanent suntan and dreadlocks.

The eight days of devastating civil disturbances that followed left 460 hapless Merseyside Plod Squad thugs pulling sickies and waving personal injury claims – with several million feral Scousers arrested on charges of affray and looting – plus half of Liverpool either demolished or burnt down by budding arsonists as socio-political tensions between the police and the district's Afro-Caribbean community reached a critical mass state that erupted in a cataclysmic chain reaction of mega-nuclear proportions due the racially-motivated arrest of Mr Jaffacake.

While ministers of a magnanimous mindset and a bent for social reforms - such as Environment Secretary Michael Heseltine - were arguing for regeneration funding to rebuild the riot-hit communities, the flabby Chancellor Howe put his foot down with a firm hand and declared any such project would be a total waste to be spent on a bunch of work-shy and brain-dead Scouse scumbags.

Howe warned PM Twatcher and the cabinet not to commit any fiscal resources to the recession-hit Liverpool and suggested that Merseyside in entirety be left to go into a ‘managed decline’ – and that perhaps in future years it might serve as a landfill site – or a good spot for dumping nuclear waste from wicked Windscale.

“Scouseland’s a gonner and will never recover since they’ve turned the entire port’s import-export industry over to containerization to stop the light-fingered dockers from thieving - and have hence reduced the once-labour intensive workforce requirement to almost zero.”
“Let’s be perfectly honest here, why expend even a meagre portion of our limited resources on Liverpool when the unemployed Scousers only want to stay in the pub and betting shop all day long – and milk the welfare benefits system dry.”

The archived cabinet meeting minutes reveal that Howe continued in the same vein: “Not wishing to sound negative, but getting them off their lazy arses and back into work, to become an active part of a responsible society can’t really be encompassed by the metaphoric description of ‘trying to make water flow uphill’ – it’s more a matter of attempting to shove butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle.”
“Conversely, whatever we do with Scouseland will be the wrong thing - and one day come back to kick us squarely in the arse.”

As the Toxteth Riots got well underway and Maggie Twatcher’s inept Tory government went into headless chicken “What to do!? What to do!?” mode – even contemplating sending in the Army or a brigade of Hessian mercenaries - cabinet minister Michael Heseltine drew the short straw, and equipped with a stab vest and Denis Twatcher’s Lambretta scooter crash helmet, was despatched post haste into the Merseyside war zone.

The hapless Heseltine reported back via pigeon post several days later that he was being held hostage by a bunch of dreadlocked Pastafarians at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Sefton Park and subjected to a 24/7 torture regime of reggae music and being fed bananas for breakfast, dinner and tea – though his release could be secured if the Bootle Customs Department returned the gang's shipment of ‘medicinal purposes only’ ganja seized at the docks the previous week.

Cabinet papers reveal that a stoned Heseltine was turned over to the Plod Squad barricade lines following hostage negotiations and later reported he considered the abominable behaviour of Scouseland’s ‘fortress mentality’ police to be ‘Horrifying’ – with a large capital H.
“Racist or not – they are at least fair – as they treat every sod and their dog in a brutal and arrogant manner – blacks and whites alike – which I blame on Merseryside’s Chief Constable Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher."

Oh well, 1981 to 2011 – a mere blink of the eye in the age of the Earth – and too not much more in the passage of socio-political change when 30 years down the road we have the Tottenham Riots – once again motivated by the Plod Squad’s uniformed thugs and a display of their unchecked ruthless barbarism – which resulted in the premeditated extra-judicial killing of a bloke with a permanent suntan – specifically Mark Duggan – and kick-starting a wave of nation-wide revolts in response.

Alas history has a bad habit of repeating itself – especially when moronic politicians refuse to learn from its graphic tutorials. Maggie Twatcher never went out to ‘Hug-a-Hoodie’ in 1981 – and neither did Posh Dave Scameron in August 2011 – belying his own 2010 election campaign trail boasts.

During a cabinet post mortem discussion of the Toxteth riots, Twatcher, informed that the public had a cultural ingrained hatred for the police which emanated from a profound, decades-long evolved mistrust - viewing the Plod Squads as a uniformed civil militarist force there to protect the property of the elite - and not the rights of the common tax-paying electorate – then raised the scary ‘grasping at straws’ prospect of arming the plods – obviously with the malice aforethought intention being they could shoot rioters with legal impunity.

Hmmm, armed thugs in uniform – 30 years later, with 20/20 hindsight, that was quite an give-away on Twatcher’s part - proposing to kit the Plod Squads out with ‘guns’ back in 1981 – unconsciously admitting there was obviously something seriously wrong with her methods of government if she had to resort to arming the police to protect her from Britain’s dysfunctional society.

Again, 30 years on, there has recently been talk, yet again, of arming the nation’s Plod Squads – as if we didn’t have enough problems with the Met’s trigger-happy ‘Shoot First’ CO19 Armed Response Unit murdering – ‘with impunity’ – Brazilian electricians as they’re too numb between the ears to tell the difference between a bomb-toting Mid-Eastern Muslim terrorist and a Portuguese-speaking Latino ‘Sparky’ on his way to replace a fuse at the local tanning parlour.

No doubt the guns will be in evidence – along with the pick axe handles, water cannons, tasers, baton rounds and CS gas – plus the ear-splitting acoustic crowd dispersers and microwave skin burners once the shit hits the fan in 2012 and the common herd lose patience with the Libservative coalition government to go totally ballistic once the banksters close their doors, shut the ATM’s down and the Greedy Grocer supermarkets refuse to take debit or credit cards.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.