Tuesday, 10 January 2012

TV Celebrity Chef now ‘Celebrity Shoplifter’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

TV’s smallest celebrity chef, Antony Worrall Thompson, confided to a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette today that his arrest by the Henley-on-Thames Plod Squad last Friday, after being caught shoplifting at his local Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket branch, was ‘a fair cop’.

According to medical reports submitted to the magistrate’s court in Thompson’s defence, the chef has been suffering from intermittent bouts of kleptomania since his flagship Chelsea restaurant ‘The Dog’s Bollocks’ went into administration last year after being sued by patrons suffering attacks of coronary thrombosis while feasting on the pièce de résistance house special dessert - Snickers Pie.
This gastronomical abomination was once nominated by the Food Commission independent culinary watchdog as the most unhealthy dessert recipe in the history of unhealthy dessert recipes – with a single slice estimated to contain 110,250 calories and enough cholestrol to block a six inch sewer pipe, let alone a person’s cardiovascular system.

Worrall is a past master of the televised faux pas and ad-lib fuck ups - such as cremating the roast on live TV in the Great British Menu competition – then going on to moronically recommend the poisonous plant Henbane as a "tasty addition to salads" in mistake for the non-toxic herb Fat Hen in his Ploughman’s Lunch culinary recipes section of the August 2008 issue of the Gravediggers Monthly magazine – which resulted in the hospitalisation of scores of healthy eating New Age hedgerow scavengers.

The 96-year old Hobbit-sized chef has appeared on a variety of television shows including the BBC 2's iconic ‘Food and Drunk’; Ready-Steady-Steal; Fraggle Rock; Trumpton - and the ever popular ‘Flog It!’ – plus since being cautioned by police over his light-fingered bad habits is rumoured to have been offered a cameo appearance part in the new series of Porridge.

Thompson admitted he felt like a right knobhead after being caught by the plods for stealing a couple of packs of Pestco’s Finest microwave-ready Cottage Pies and then claiming he thought they were free due the ‘Every Little Helps’ stickers – saying he intends to seek help to improve his amateurish petty larceny techniques and how to avoid the scrutiny of the in-store CCTV cameras – and had ordered a copy of Shoplifting for Dummies from Amazon.

WPC Bev Titwank of Henley-on-Thames police opined to the media “It’s fucking lucky he wasn’t caught nicking shit in Saudi Arabia – cos he would have got his right hand chopped off for shoplifting there – and then he’d have a problem whisking up eggs for one of them fancy omelettes.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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