Ofsted Grade of ‘Fair’ Revised to ‘Utter Crap’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sir Rigby Ratstamper, the head honcho of the UK’s education watchdog Ofsted, yesterday informed press hacks he had tasked the inspectorate’s career jobsworths with totally revising the outmoded semantic content used to classify the grading of Broken Britain’s schools following an inspection – with the aim of substituting such ambiguous and euphemistic terms as a ‘requires improvement’ rating to ‘pile of shite – fire head teacher’.

Ratstamper is determined to exorcise Ofsted’s modus operandi of the redundant system of school performance classifications and send a message that what was once rated as ‘satisfactory" will henceforth be graded as ‘NFG’ (No Fucking Good).

While the National Union of Teachers has in the past criticised such labels as insulting when applied to schools viewed by Ofsted inspectors as ‘coasting’ – they have now gone into gob-smacked, shell-shocked mode, claiming this latest move by Sir Rigby to galvanise slack-arsed school principals and teaching staff into action breaches every concept of political correctness.

Conversely, Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron threw his support behind Ratstamper’s plans, telling media reporters "This policy shift is intended to initiate a massive sea change in attitude towards the motivation of teachers. While inspection ratings of ‘satisfactory’ and 'just good enough' might be quite permissible for the performance of NHS doctors and investment banksters – and too cabinet ministers and MPs in the House of Conmans - they’re no longer to be accepted within our education system as the country already has more duffers and duck eggs than it can cope with.”

Sir Rigby’s announcement pre-empts a Downing Street summit scheduled for later this week to discuss the Cabinet Office Behavioural Insight Team’s (aka the Nudge Unit) conjured Big Society battle strategies for turning coasting schools into military-administered academies where the principal will be a Drill Sergeant or RSM – with corporal punishment the order of the day for transgressors of the institution’s regulations – and a seven-day bread and water detention regime, hanging by the thumbs in the school mortuary, the mandated punishment for stubborn truants.

At present, Ofsted inspectors have the scope to judge schools as being ‘inadequate’, ‘satisfactory’, ‘good’ or ‘outstanding’ – a grading system that will henceforth undergo radical revisions as Sir Rigby’s new rating classifications take effect and under-performing establishments are banished from the Department of Education’s books and their status reclassified to a pariah level ‘academy’ – with their management coming under the aegis of private defence contractors Slackwater / XE.

Ms Bev Titwank, head of the NASTWAT teachers' union, attacked the proposals as “Yet another crude ruse to enable that chinless wonder of an Education Minister Michael Gove to push more schools into the hands of profit making, private companies staffed to the gills with ex-military psychos.”

“What worries us most is the 3,000-odd schools that are currently doing their best to educate a million children and have been rated as 'satisfactory' for two inspections in a row. If these schools get downgraded and turned over to the likes of Slackwater / XE then they’re going to end up on a similar footing to Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison - generating a culture of vicious management practices which will in turn have a profoundly negative psychological effect on the pupils."

“We've had a perfect example of this with 14-year old Genghis McTwatt at the St Asbo’s Academy for Latter Day Scrotes last year when he was subjected to a water boarding session for not turning in his homework assignment on schedule, then went AWOL by pulling a week-long truant stunt and walked nonchalantly into the school hall during assembly the following Monday morning with a bagful of pipe bombs and an AK47 he’d picked up at Pikey Pete’s car boot sale that weekend - and killed everyone old enough to bleed.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.