Sunday, 29 January 2012

Jubilee Woods Planting Marred by Hypocrisy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Ministry for Wasting Time & Money – working in conjunction with the House of Conman’s Committee for What Can We Fuck with Next - are organising a hare-brained scheme to create a series of new micro forests to commemorate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and hope to hack their way through the frozen sod to plant one zillion trees during the seasonally-incorrect month of February.

Recruited into involuntary participation, Ms Candida Mingerot of the Woodland Trust informed one press hack from the Firewood Gazette that “Next month marks the 60th anniversary of the Queen's accession to the throne, hence some stupid tosser with as much knowledge about tree planting as an Eskimo has thrown good advice to the four winds and mandated February as Plant-a-Tree for Lizzie month."
"So now we’ve been lumbered with a warehouse full of free planting flat packs to be made available to any bugger and their dog that gets bored with watching the telly and wants to go out and freeze their proverbial bollocks off by taking part in this fatally-flawed effort to achieve a goal of planting six million trees during the jubilee year."

The centrepiece of the government scheme, dubiously backed by Oscar-winning actress Dame Judi Stench, will be Doggers Wood - a 460-acre secluded site in stockbroker belt Snobshire that is scheduled to become home to 500,000 trees and a legion of shrubs and bushes.
Further to creating the flagship arbourial delight, the project also plans to establish hundreds of similar Doggers Woods around the UK – right up to the Caledonian apartheid barrier of Hadrian’s Wall – with each covering more than 60 acres.

Community groups can apply for planter packs of 105 or 420 native species, with each pack containing several Sequoias and Giant Redwoods plus a "Royal Oak" sapling, grown from acorns collected on Royal estates and sprouted in a biodegradable bag of equally-royal red squirrel shit.
Dogging enthusiast group packs will contain 60 hedge/copse species as well as that al fresco sex voyeur’s hideaway favourite – Peeping Tom Rhododendron.

Conversely the scheme has come in for lashings of criticism, with the Tory-dominated coalition government being accused of gross hypocrisy for taking on an impossible balancing act. On the one hand maintaining their ‘Global Warming / Climate Change / Greener than Green / Save the Planet charade – while on the other keeping their mega-bucks property developer donors and bankster investors happy – by turning over thousands of acres of greenfield countryside for scabby housing projects to the profit-motivated environmental pillagers building homes for the zillions of the EUSSR’s economic refugees flooding into Broken Britain to get a foot on the welfare benefits ladder.

And who do we have to blame and point the fickle finger of fate at for expediting these duplicitous acts? Why none other than Local Government Minister Eric ‘Slimmers World’ Pickles and the ginger-mingin Defra Secretary Caroline ‘Nannygate’ Spelman.

Ms Spelman, the Desperate Dan-chinned Tory MP for the West Skidlands constituency of Landfill Hamlets has been covertly flogging off the arboreous acres of our once sceptred isle for firewood to unscrupulous commercial interests who don’t give a flying fuck about the state of the environment as long as they cut a profit and cop for their annual mega-bucks bonuses.

These include the notorious Sahara Forest Timber Corp – not quite renown for their ‘Earth-friendly’ contributions to Mother Nature – and a company fronted by Accenture – the largest management consultants in the known Universe - where the ranga Spelman’s husband Mork just happens to be a partner. Hmmm, obviously no conflict of interest there then, eh.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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