Spurs Boss Pleads ‘Maybe Guilty’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Southwark Crown Court tax evasion trial of Tottenham Hotspur soccer club manager Harry ‘Bungo’ Redneck took a bizarre turn today when his defence counsel, Sue Fleecem QC, entered an ‘about-turn’ prevaricating ‘maybe a bit guilty’ plea of ‘extenuating circumstances’ concerning her client’s motivation and purpose in stashing hundreds of thousands of pounds in offshore tax havens and concealing cash bungs and bonuses via investments in racehorses and artworks.

Throwing embarrassment to the wind four winds in favour of self-preservation and making a blatant attempt to elicit the court’s empathy and compassion, Redneck now claims his ‘Rosie 47’ Happy Savers account in Monaco was set up covertly in his dog’s name not so much to blind-side HMRC out of taxable income levies but as a spot of ‘quantitative easing’ to finance a life-enhancing face lift cosmetic surgery procedure following the rupture of his PIP ‘Chubby Cheeks’ facial inserts, which resulted in seepage of a toxic cocktail of tyre inflator, silicon and Botox leaving him looking like Golem after a heavy night on the booze.

Presenting medical evidence to the court on behalf of the defence, Harley Street cosmetic surgery consultant Dr Fellattia van der Gamm confirmed the factual veracity of Redneck’s PIP inserts rupturing which apparently occurred through a self-harm habit of banging his head against the stands every time his team lost a match.
The Spurs manager was initially advised to undergo the facial poly prosthese implant procedure following his 2003 eyebag prolapse – a sub-dermal collagen deficiency syndrome condition manifested and aggravated due his addiction to the traditional Cockney diet of suet puddings and jellied eels.

Taking the stand to speak in his own defence, Redneck informed the court “Look at me kisser an’ these bloodhound jowls. It’s so embarassin’ when I go down me local boozer an’ all the lads are callin’ me ‘old chipmunk features’ an’ sayin’ I’ve got eyes like pissholes in the snow. It’s me own fault fer havin’ the implants done on the cheap at Achmed’s Botox Clinic in Brighton – so that’s why I woz stashin’ a few bob in the Rosie 47 account in Monaco – ter pay fer a proper facelift job at Dr. Fellattia’s clinic.”

Conversely, the Crown Prosecution Service legal team, headed by Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock QC, later proceeded to raise the issue of why a string of ‘bungs’ paid to Redneck by the-then Pompey Poofters FC owner - Serbian zillionaire Milan Mangosteen – whose fortune was founded on the ever-popular bar snack – Pikey Pete’s Roast Swan Scratchings – were invested in collections of pre-Columbian and Ming dynasty Tupperware – and the premier works of such modern day art masters Andy Wormhole and Jackson Pillock – plus the clandestine ownership of championship racehorses ‘Limping Larry’ and ‘Tosspot’.

The trial continues.

Are you of a mind to cheat HMRC at every opportunity? Does your dog have any secret offshore bank accounts? How about your cat? Is your art collection composed of old Masters or Poundland prints? How about racehorses – do you own shares in any dodgy donkeys?

Send your confession using the online reply form below and you could win one of HMRC’s Get Out of Jail Free cards – after our Renta-Thug collection bailiffs have paid you a visit.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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